


Bones

by sunshine (sunshinepiveh)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Divorce, Hopeful Ending, Infidelity, M/M, One Night Stands, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 18:18:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12658875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinepiveh/pseuds/sunshine
Summary: The story of Bones' life in medical school and the first two years of his residency program, as he struggles with having a wife and child in an old country house while trying to meet the demands of work and school. All the while, Leonard struggles with the discoveries he makes about his own sexuality, and his continuing encounters with infidelity. Relationships aside, Leonard also has to ask himself whether this is the life he wants to lead, stuck in Georgia for the rest of his life, or whether he wants to go out into the universe in search of greater things.





	1. Med School

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story that I've been wanting to write for some time. I spent months thinking about it, and months more trying to write it down, off and on. I'm pleased to finally have it finished to my satisfaction, though it is perhaps the most challenging thing I've personally tried to do, and so I know it's far from perfect. I don't have any personal experience with having children, or with infidelity, or with medical school, or probably a whole host of other topics covered in the story, and so I hope you'll be forgiving of what inaccuracies there are.
> 
> This story is meant to be about AOS Bones, though I've used several points of TOS canon in order to flesh out the major events of his life. For that reason, I think that TOS fans can enjoy the story as much as fans of AOS, as neither timeline is especially relevant to the story told here.

The Year: 2250. It was Leonard McCoy’s second year of Medical School, and he was 23 years old. While he’d attended his four pre-med years at University of Mississippi, medical school saw him back in Georgia, not far from the small town where he’d grown up. It has been six years since he’s fallen in love with his wife Jocelyn, two since they’d married and had Joanna, his child.

 

~~~

 

“Aww, Leo, don't be that way.” Cal grinned, pulling Leonard in roughly for a one armed hug while ruffling his hair with the other.

 

Len struggled half-heartedly. “Get off me.” he grumbled, scowling. “You're an utter nuisance, you know that? If I don't finish this paper Kepner will have my ass.” He hunched over the PADD on his lap defensively to stave off his friend's antics. Not that Cal was really doing all that much to distract him,honestly.

 

The two of them sprawled their bodies and their work across the worn grey (once black) sofa of Cal's small apartment. Med school was even more of a bitch than the first four years of college had been, but it took a certain stubborn breed to become a doctor, even more so a surgeon, and Leonard McCoy was that type of man. Jocelyn had begged him to put off med school for another year, at least until Joanna was a bit older and not as dependent, but like hell he'd jeopardize his career. She’d known that this was his plan when they’d decided to go ahead and make a family. He wasn’t going to change all of that now.

 

“Why are you here, anyway?” Cal prodded him. “Don't you have a wife and kid to get home to?”

 

It was ten o'clock at night, still early by med school standards. Leonard eyed the empty beer bottle on the coffee table with a sigh and took a swig from his water glass instead. He could use another drink but it wouldn't do him any favours with this paper he was writing. Not to mention Jocelyn wouldn't approve. He sighed again deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose as he squinted his eyes against the dull throb of an impending headache. “Have you ever tried to write a term paper near a screaming toddler?” he queried with a quirked brow and Cal grinned.

 

“Naw, I can't say that I have.” he admitted, typing away at his own work as he glanced down at his paper notes occasionally.

 

“Not that it's much better here, of course. In terms of infants, that is.” Len drawled, earning him a pillow thrown at his face. He looked up with mock indignation as he straightened out his work. “Now look at what you went and made me do!” he protested. “See? Now this is what I mean about the maturity level in this here apartment.”

 

“Next time it won't be a pillow. And see if I let you in _this here apartment_ with cracks like that.”

 

Len grunted but kept the pillow, swinging around to lean against the arm rest with it and propping his legs on the lap of his friend, temporarily displacing Cal's PADD as Cal worked around him, re-settling it on Len's legs with a dramatic sigh.

 

“So you staying the night again?” Cal asked after a bit more work.

 

“Naw, I can't keep doing that to you. Doing that to Joce.” Len said tiredly, squinting at his screen as he worked through fatigue. He figured he may as well get used to never sleeping again, if the word about residency was to be believed. “I'll be out of your hair by midnight.”

 

“Don't be an idiot.” Cal chastised him. “You know you're always welcome here. Your car's in the south lot. That's half hour's walk from here, then what, another thirty-five minute drive home? You won't get home 'til one. We've got an 8 a.m. tomorrow mornin' -- you'd get what, five hours sleep? Take the couch, Leo.”

 

“Joce'll have my head.” he grumped, but he wanted nothing more than to stay on Cal's couch. He loved his baby girl, he really did, but the thought of a crying child on top of his hypothetical five hours of sleep made him weary to his bones.

 

“Joce should've known what med school meant. She still harassin' ya about that job with her daddy?”

 

It was a continual argument between the two of them. Len nodded and gave a grunt. He didn't want to talk about it.

 

He'd been in love with Jocelyn all his life, really. Since he was seventeen and they were still in high school. They'd dated off and on throughout college and by the time they'd graduated, he'd found himself married and with a child. It was good, really. It had seemed to be everything he'd always wanted, always seen himself doing. Settling down with a good woman. They'd both known each other back in Georgia, both gone to Ole Miss for college. Had even both been pre-med, though Joce was taking off a few years now to be with the baby. Which Leonard supposed was only reasonable, he really did. But it did make it difficult to relate to his wife over his work load at times.

 

And maybe settling down in that old house wasn't everything he'd dreamed it would be, if he were honest. It had cut into his savings to get that thing. It was well over the cost of the government housing stipend, and he wasn't exactly making real money with his shifts at the hospital. Not as a student still not in his residency. And Joce refused to even consider working part-time, at least not until Joanna started school. By then he'd be done with med school and would be in his residency.

 

Of course, if Joce had her way, he'd defer med school and go to work for her daddy's small town medical practice outside the city. She argued he could make good money now as an assistant, and he'd still be in his chosen career. He could always go back later once Jo was a bit older. It was a continual argument between them. Len had really thought Joce had understood his ambitions, his plans. He wasn't meant to be a medical assistant at a small town practice. Even now, only into his second year of med school, he was working with cutting edge medical advances, learning more than he'd learn in a lifetime of small town work.

 

“I ain't takin' no small town practice.” he grunted.

 

“And you shouldn't.” Cal agreed, setting his PADD on the side table to rub Len's feet, still perched in his lap. “Forgive me for saying so, but that woman's a moron to even suggest it. She's lucky she's got you payin' for her lifestyle and workin' toward a real career for yourself.” Cal defended.

 

Len let his eyes drift shut for just a moment as he gave a small sigh of pleasure at Cal's hands. “You keep that up and someone'll accuse you of having a surgeon's hands.” he smirked.

 

“That's the idea.” Cal drawled and continued his work for long silent minutes.

 

“I'll just stay the night.” Len drawled sleepily after a long time.

 

“Sure, Leo.”

 

“Get Joce somethin' real nice to make up for it.”

 

“Get some sleep, Leo.”

 


	2. A House, A Home

“My god, JoJo, just look at you!” Len grinned, his whole face lighting up as his little girl ran awkwardly to his outspread hands. “Come on JoJo! That's my girl. Come to Daddy!” When she finally finished the trek to his hands he swept her up into the air to her delighted squee, and covered every inch of her in kisses. “Good job, Joey baby! Look at you goin'.”

 

It still twinged a bit that he'd missed her first steps, along with so many other firsts, with his busy schedule. But she was hardly a baby any more. Once she’d started moving those months ago, she hadn’t stopped. Joanna would get going as soon as she woke up in the morning and wouldn’t rest until she passed out at night.

 

“You goin' in tonight?” Jocelyn questioned him from the adjoining kitchen, still putting away the remains of lunch and doing the washing up while Len entertained Joanna in the living room.

 

“You know I've got graveyard shift most Saturdays, Joce. It's on the calender.”

 

“I know, I know.” she said with exasperation. “I'm just frustrated with the situation. You're never home, Len. You spend half the week on Cal's couch instead of in your own bed. Now what kind of a marriage is that? You wouldn't miss so much of Joanna if you'd be around a bit more.”

 

And just like that, his spirits were dampened a bit, even as he watched his little ray of sunshine toddling over to her toys. “You know it's not forever, honey. I'm really tryin' my best for this family, but you knew when we decided to have a child that I'd still be goin' to med school, then straight on to residency.”

 

“I know that. And I'd never begrudge you your education, your career.” she said. Leonard grit his teeth in frustration -- except that she had tried to begrudge him that. Repeatedly. He kept his mouth shut, not wanting to have that fight. “I just didn't realize quite how hard it would be, that's all. How often you'd be gone. Is it so wrong to want to spend time with my own husband?” she questioned, and he felt his bitterness release at that.

 

“No.” he said with a sigh, staring at her warmly from the door frame where he could keep an eye on his little girl. “Ain't nothin' wrong with that at all.” he smiled a bit.

 

“I'm just frustrated with the situation, is all.”

 

“So am I.” he conceded. And he was, really. Joanna was just recently two now, earlier that July. One might have thought summer would have brought a bit of a reprieve but not for him. He was taking summer classes and was working part time at the hospital in whatever capacity they'd allow him, which mostly meant cleaning bed pans and working graveyard shifts, but he'd take it. They could do with the money for payments on the house and the various frivolities they both enjoyed. Plus he hoped to invest it in a move for his residency. He was thinking of Mars or perhaps a ship assignment of some sort -- it would do wonders for his experience level. Of course Jocelyn didn't want to hear of leaving Georgia. That was yet another one of their common arguments. At least he still had a good two years left of med school before he had to make that decision.

 

“I've got the rest of today free until night shift.” he went on. “Then I'll be sleepin' most of Sunday, no doubt, and I promised Cal I'd go to some thing with him Sunday afternoon.”

 

“You're not going out to that seedy bar again?” Jocelyn asked scathingly. She'd partied with the best of them back at Ole Miss, and Len couldn't understand what she had against Wheelhouse. It was a bit dank, sure, but it wasn't the worst dive he'd ever gone to.

 

“Yes I am going to 'that seedy bar'.” he rolled his eyes. “It's where the guys all hang out, and Cal's been hastlin' me for weeks now to come, and tonight in particular. I think Kevin was gonna come with his girl tonight. Cal tried to play it off casual but I got the impression they were going to double date and someone else bailed on him. I'd hate to leave him hangin' like a third wheel. Anyhow, it might run into dinner depending on what Cal wants to do, but I should be home Sunday evening.”

 

Jocelyn heaved a great sigh. “Alright.” she nodded to herself. “I've got Mama comin' over tonight anyhow after dinner. You know I don't like this old drafty house so much when you're out all night so she's comin' to keep me some company and help watch JoJo.”

 

“I'm sure you three ladies will have a splendid time.” he grinned. “I'm suddenly glad I'm workin' the graveyard shift what with the manicures and pedicures....” he trailed off as Joce made a frustrated sound and gave in to laughing, rolling her eyes.

 

“I don't suppose you could swing by the hardware store this week?” she questioned. “The upstairs bathroom has one of those weird lights out. If you don't have the time I'll get it, but it's closer to campus than the grocery store.”

 

“I'll swing by.”

 

“Thank you, Lenny.”

 


	3. Opportunity Knocks

It was eight o’clock at night when he pulled into the driveway, and Leonard glanced at the time on the dash of his car with a soft curse. He just had time to pack and get back to campus before the shuttle would leave for Mars. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and a part of him felt a pang at missing out on the holiday with his family, but the rest of him was eager to go. A medical conference like this didn’t come often and he’d just barely gotten approval to tag along for the holiday weekend.

 

And he loved his family, he truly did. But Joce and Joanna were one thing. The in-laws, his mother flying in, and a number of cousins and grandparents and who knows what else that Jocelyn had insisted on was not his idea of a good time. He’d done that last year, thank you, and once had been enough for the next decade.

 

It was cool out as he made his way into the house. This time of year, even in Georgia, the air was crisp, the leaves picturesque as they mounded in piles on his lawn, barely discernible now in the evening light. He shrugged his leather jacket closer to his body against the bite of the night air as he entered his house. The door was unlocked as always. Out in the country, there never seemed to be a reason to lock it if someone were home.

 

Inside, Leonard took the stairs two at a time and ducked into his room. He pulled his worn duffel from the closet to toss it on the bed, already yanking open drawers and grabbing what he needed.

 

“Is that you, Lenny?” he heard Jocelyn call from Joanna’s room just down the hall. She must have just been putting her down for the night.

 

“Yeah, it’s me.” he hollered back. “I’ve got about ten minutes to pack and then the shuttle leaves. I texted you about it. I just got approval.”

 

He’d been waiting on that go-ahead all week, and knew that Jocelyn still wasn’t fully on board with it, but he’d told her what the opportunity would mean for him.

 

“Excuse you?” she asked as she came into the bedroom, hands on hips. Len tensed and inwardly groaned. He knew that expression, Jocelyn’s skin heating up and taking on that blotchy red appearance across her cheeks and down her throat. “For your information some of us have been too busy feeding _our child_ to check a communicator. You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said bluntly as she watched him toss a pair of socks toward his duffel. She grabbed a tie right out of his hands. “It’s the holiday!”

 

“We’ve been over this,” Len said patiently, though his voice had a hard edge to it. He grit his teeth.

 

“No, _you’ve_ been over this,” Jocelyn corrected. “So help me, Leonard, you unpack that duffel right this instant. No one’s forcing you to high tail it to Mars this weekend. You’ve got an obligation to your family!”

 

“I’ve got an obligation to my career too. If you want to be together so badly, pack up JoJo and come to the colony for the holiday.” He knew he was goading her. That type of suggestion wouldn’t go over well.

 

“And what about the rest of the family?” she screeched, throwing up her arms.

 

 _The rest of the family can go fuck themselves._ He didn’t dare say what he was thinking out loud. Instead, he stuffed the last of his clothes into his bag and headed into the bathroom to grab his toothbrush.

 

Down the hall, Joanna had woken up or perhaps never fallen asleep to begin with. Now she was screaming and wailing over the yelling, as Len pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes to shut it all out, just for a moment. Just for one ever loving moment.

 

“You're never home!” Jocelyn was shouting at him, following him from bedroom to bathroom. “I've got a baby to take care of, Len, and now you want to run off over the holiday? You're not even through med school!”

 

“That's exactly the point, Joce!” he shouted back, ignoring the baby and feeling like shit for it. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Do you know what this might do for my career? I’ve told you the names of some of the people presenting at this thing, the topics they’re going to discuss. This is the cutting edge. You were pre-med, so I _know_ you understand what I’m talking about. If I meet the right people at a place like this, it could open up opportunities for my residency. This could go _beyond_ Mars  and one lost Thanksgiving.”

 

“Beyond Mars!” she scoffed. “Right, because suddenly Georgia’s too small for your britches. We bought this house together to be near family. To _start_ a family, or have you forgotten?” she looked pointedly at him,  trying to ignore the wailing baby down the hall. But JoJo was impossible to ignore, and Jocelyn broke form first, heading down the hall to try to settle Jo down from all the yelling. 

 

Len really considered leaving while he had the chance, making a cowardly escape, but his conscience wouldn’t let him leave it this way. Not on a regular day, and certainly not just before the holiday. He knew what Thanksgiving meant to Jocelyn, even if he didn’t share her sentiments over it, and he did feel the slightest bit guilty for doing this to her, though he’d given her ample warning. Not to mention ample time to discuss this beforehand when he’d clearly made his intentions known. He clamped down on his own building resentment as it wouldn’t do him any good now.  When  Jocelyn came back into the hall, Len was ready for it.

 

He carefully modulated his voice to not raise it, not disturb the baby, but there was a harsh edge to it, even more dangerous than when he yelled. “Look, Joce, I'm going on that damned ship and that's final. You knew that I wanted to become a doctor when we married, and you said you wouldn't hold me back.”

 

Her eyes brimmed with tears but her face was set in anger. “And I'm not going to,” she said bitterly. “I only wish you didn't think of being with your family as holding you back,” she said, and it was a gut punch to Len. He could have gotten into a better medical school but he'd stayed in Georgia. He wasn't against being closer to family, but he'd also done it for Joce. Buying this house, getting married, starting a family. These were all things he wanted, things he  _valued_ even now, but things that he'd thought she'd understood would add complications to their lives.

 

Without another word he brushed past her to climb down the stairs. His ten minutes were up, and he had a shuttle to catch.

 

~~~

 

Leonard came through the door of his home at supper time Sunday evening. He was in need of a shower, fatigued from travelling, had a hell of a jet lag effect, and couldn’t remember when he’d last eaten. Still, his mind buzzed with the activities of the weekend, the excitement of meeting some of his medical idols, his brain churning over the inundation of new information.

 

It was dark out already and the air was brisk, but the lights were on inside, bathing the old house in a cosy glow. From the kitchen he could hear the clink of cutlery and dishes, as well as the tell-tale chatter of his daughter.

 

“Is that you, Len?” Jocelyn called out to him, and he soaked in the warmth of home, both literal and metaphorical as he shrugged off his leather jacket, hanging it on the peg by the door.

 

“It’s me.”

 

“Daddy!”

 

“Joanna you stay in your chair, honey, and finish your food,” Jocelyn scolded, as Leonard came into the kitchen to see JoJo struggling to get off her chair to go see him. His chest felt tight.

 

“Hey baby.” He grinned down at her, ruffling her hair. “You listen to your mama,” he agreed. “Finish your vegetables.”

 

He saw a few bits of broccoli still on her plastic plate, little spork held in one pudgy fist. Her other fist clenched around a smiling piece of processed, fried potato product, and he could see a hint of where a few bites of chicken had lain on her plate. It was about as healthy a meal as one could expect to get into a two year old.

 

“Did you have a good Thanksgiving?” he asked JoJo, though his eyes flicked to Jocelyn to gauge her own reaction. How frosty was she still? He saw some of that frost thaw from her as Joanna rambled off something about her B-ma and the parade, only every third word intelligible, the plot of her tale holding little consistency. Still, Leonard was happy to humour her, and happy to let Jocelyn have a bit of a breather to finish her own meal. Her plate was still piled high with food and she had a bit of a haggard look about her.

 

“Have you eaten yet?” Jocelyn asked when JoJo finally paused her spiel to eat a bit of potato.

 

“Naw. I’ll fix myself some leftovers in a minute.”

 

“I’ll fix you a plate.” Jocelyn was already getting out of her chair.

 

“You don’t have to do that,” Leonard assured her, holding out a hand to indicate she should sit, but she was already pulling a plate out of one of the kitchen cupboards and loading it up with lukewarm food. “Thank you, honey.” he said gratefully as he accepted the plate as the peace offering that it was, and settled in to share the remainder of the meal with his family.

 

Jocelyn didn’t ask him about the conference, so he didn’t bring it up. His tension over it eased away as he decided this must just be one of those things they’d move on from and not talk about. For the sake of the relationship, he asked about her holiday instead, and took in the various updates she’d garnered about their friends and family, along with a few little anecdotes about the meal itself, though there was little to tell.

 

Greg and Linda had got a new car -- he didn’t care. Jocelyn’s mother had had some trouble with the bank a while ago; he’d heard that story already and it was resolved now. Jocelyn prattled on and Leonard nodded and grunted when appropriate, though honestly JoJo’s rambling tale about the parade she’d seen on television had been more interesting.

 

He itched to tell Joce about who he’d seen at the conference. About the new open heart surgical procedure designed for Tellarites, or the new drug being developed for the Tyrobian flu. Their shared interest in medicine had been one of the things that had most drawn Len to Jocelyn in college, and now he was all but cut off from discussing it. Certainly not the conference, not now. Not when Jocelyn was still sore over it, and offering him this olive branch. He should take it for what it was, and stop being so selfish, he knew.

 

What he needed to learn was how to compartmentalize. Home now. Home, and wife, and child. And tomorrow he’d be back in class, and as sure as ever he’d stop by Cal’s apartment and they could discuss the conference then. People the universe over separated their home and family life from work and school, and there was no reason Leonard McCoy couldn’t learn to do so as well.

 


	4. Merry Christmas

Another year had flown by. It was Len’s third year of med school, and getting close to Christmas. The air was crisp, though not nearly cold enough for snow this far south. Still, at night the dew would freeze on the grass and leave it sparkling in the morning sun, crunching under his shoes. And the temperature during the day was the perfect weather for a jacket or sweater. A welcome reprieve from a summer full of sweat.

 

Another half a week of study lay before him, a week of exams, and then that brief, precious reprieve of Christmas break. Cal and Len were three beers into their “study session” and the PADDs, papers, and good old fashioned books were forgotten at this point as they sprawled on the familiar grey couch that was slowly disintegrating beneath them with each passing month. It was homey, and Leonard liked it.

 

“Lookin' forward to the holidays?” Cal prompted him with a smile.

 

“Lookin' forward to my time with Jo, at least.” Len confided. Cal was humouring him, he knew. They rarely talked about the kid, as Cal showed not a single inkling he’d ever want to procreate. But still, for Leonard his child was the joy of the holidays.

 

“She’s three now.” Len told him. “Should be old enough to understand we're givin' her presents this time around.” He smiled softly.

 

“The break though? Not so much. Joce has been on me for weeks now about repairs around that old house. The dishwasher's stopped workin'. Says she thinks there's a leak on the roof, too, though not much I can do about it with all this freezing rain we've been gettin'. If it's not the roof it's the floorboards, if it's not the floorboards it's that old radiator. She wants central air and heat now, which I brought up before we bought the house, but she wanted 'old world charm' then. Now I suppose it's not so charming.”

 

Cal shook his head and rolled his eyes skyward. “Good God, Len, you gotta get out of that old dusty money trap. Move the girls out here. There's no shortage of campus housing for families. It's more modern, you'd be closer to work, and you'd spend less money.”

 

Len was already shaking his head. “Don't think I haven't tried it. Jocelyn's dead set against it. Doesn't want to be so close to the city except that she's always lonely and can't get her shopping in often enough with the kid to look after. Doesn't want something so modern until her old country house starts rotting around her. It's women, Cal. They're out of their minds.”

 

Cal gave a laugh at that, a bit of too much of one as he dissolved a bit into a fit of giggles, but he'd been drinking and cramming for finals and it was late. He squished further into his old couch and shoved his cold feet in behind Len's back.

 

“Jesus H. Christ your feet are cold,” Len grumbled, but didn't dislodge them.

 

“I hate seein' you like this, Leo. You're always tired, you're crankier than usual.”

 

Len waved his hand and talked over him. “That's just my personality.”

 

“You can't keep makin' that trip every day. There ain’t enough hours. You spend half the week here anyway. If you can't move your family out on campus, why not get yourself your own apartment or dorm room anyhow? Or hell, move in with me. You're here half the week anyway. We'll replace this old couch with a pull out.”

 

“Come on, Cal, you know I can't do that.” Len protested.

 

“And why the hell not? You're the one workin'. You're the one studying, and workin' shifts, and gettin' into that conference you were at, and bringin' home the money, and god knows what else. You wouldn't be the first person to leave their family at home while they finished school. And what the hell do you think'll happen when you start your residency?” he pressed.

 

“Don't even remind me.”

 

“Well I am reminding you,” Cal lectured. “You're damn talented. It would be a tragedy to throw all that away.”

 

“I feel like such an asshole,” Len admitted. “It shouldn't be a burden to be with my wife and kid.”

 

“Is that what she's telling you?” Cal demanded, his voice more annoyed than ever. When Len didn't answer, he extracted his feet from behind the man's back and forced his reluctant body into a sitting position to bodily turn Len to face him. “Now you listen to me, Leo. You ain't a bad husband or a bad person or whatever horse shit you've been thinkin'. You’re a brilliant man and a good surgeon -- I know you ain't official yet but damn it, you're already a good doctor. And you ought to be helpin' more people than a handful of hicks in some podunk town with your wife's daddy. I know you don't like talkin’ about it any more than you have to. But don't you let no one pull you down, you hear me?”

 

“I hear you,” Len said with bitter reluctance. But he was grateful, and warmed by Cal's speech. Jocelyn didn't mean to wear at him, he knew that. She wanted a house and a family and stability, and she'd never made out that she'd wanted anything different. But Leonard -- the more he learned, the more he did, the more he thought he might be able to do more. The more he _wanted_ to  do more. And it was nice for once to hear someone say emphatically that he shouldn't feel bad about that. There wasn't a thing wrong with him. In that moment, he could almost believe it. There was a hopeful note to the future, a hope he could almost taste.

 

“Well good.” Cal interrupted his maudlin’ thoughts. “Now you think on what I said. This couch is fallin' apart already from you sleepin' on it and I'm sure your back is fallin' apart too. We can get you a pull out and you can start actually doin' some of the cleanin' around here.”

 

“I'll talk to Joce.”

 

“You do that.”

 

~~~

 

“You see this news on Dramia II?” Leonard asked at the breakfast table as he sipped his morning coffee. The kitchen was still chilly from the night air, as the old heater struggled to kick back up to speed. Jocelyn’s night gown was thinner than made sense for the temperature, but to her credit she did have a robe on over top, hanging open at the front. It might have normally distracted him a good deal but not when the news on his PADD was taking up ninety percent of his brain.

 

“Hm?” Joce glanced over to him as she worked to wipe the jam off JoJo’s hands, face, everywhere really. The girl only twisted away from her efforts as Jocelyn gave a sigh and JoJo helped herself to another little triangle of toast with jam. “That’s the colony that was on the news the other night, wasn’t it? With the flu outbreak.” She frowned in that way that meant she was moved somewhat but couldn’t do anything about it.

 

“It’s more than a flu outbreak.” Len grumbled. “This is a goddamned tragedy. And over Christmas? The government isn’t doing a damned thing to help those colonists. This is the Saurian flu, Joce. We’ve had this cured for decades. They need a shipment of hyposprays and a team to administer them. I want to know what in tarnation the Federation is planning to do about it.”

 

“I’m sure they’re doing all they can.” Jocelyn told him in a conciliatory tone, but her mind was clearly elsewhere, not on the morning headlines. “Listen, you have off tomorrow don’t you? We’ve still got to get a present for your mama before she flies in next week. And we’ve still got to clean out the guest room for her.”

 

“That guest room’s spotless from the last time you cleaned it.” Leonard rolled his eyes.

 

“We’ve got _guests_ coming, Leonard.” she admonished him. “Where’s your hospitality? We’ve got to air it out, set out clean sheets and towels....”

 

Why in god’s name Jocelyn couldn’t handle throwing some towels on the bed Len couldn’t understand. She was home all day. He had to go to class and work his hours at the hospital. Suppressing a sigh as he continued to skim the most recent article on Dramia II, Leonard realized that Jocelyn had just asked him a question.

 

“...you pick up some groceries on your way home from the hospital tonight?”

 

“What? Oh. If it can wait to tomorrow. I’ll probably crash at Cal’s after shift.”

 

“Again?” her voice had that shrill edge to it and Leonard winced. He already saw a little frown on JoJo’s face and didn’t want their arguing to affect the kid.

 

“I get off shift at 4 in the morning.” he reminded Jocelyn, as he always did. “It makes more sense for me to crash in town than to come all the way back home and wake you two up. I have off tomorrow. Just text me the list of things you need at the store and I’ll bring them home with me then.”

 

“You spend an awful lot of time at Cal’s apartment. More than with your own family.” Jocelyn scolded him, and Leonard could almost mimic her word for word, he’d heard them so often. And he was getting sick of them, really. For one thing, those hours spent at Cal’s were because he was working, and he was going to medical school, and Jocelyn refused to live somewhere convenient to those demands. And for another, the idea of him spending more time at Cal’s than at home was a total exaggeration.

 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, actually.” he said seriously, recalling his conversation with Cal the previous day and feeling emboldened. He’d better take his stand now before Jocelyn guilted him and he lost his nerve. “I spend enough time on Cal’s couch that it makes sense for me to pay him partial rent and move in a few things.”

 

“You’re moving out?” Jocelyn screeched, her expression some mixture of shock, dismay, and anger.

 

“I’m not moving out.” Len said in a measured, placating tone. “I’m doing what I’ve always done, but I’m keeping a change of clothes at Cal’s place and a few other odds and ends for when I need to crash in the city for a night. It’ll be more convenient all around and more fair to Cal.”

 

“You’re taking advantage of that man --” Jocelyn tried a different tactic, but Len headed her off.

 

“Me moving in was his idea.” Len said bluntly. “And why shouldn’t I chip in on the rent? Refusing to toss in a few bucks now and again would be taking advantage. All I’m doing’s making things even.”

 

Jocelyn scowled a bit at that but Leonard knew that he had the upper hand in this argument for once. “And just when are you doing this moving in? That guest room --”

 

“Is immaculate.” he told her before she could start in, though he had to talk over her demands regarding the roof and the drafts and the heat and all other sorts of problems he ought to be handling as man of the house. “I’ll handle it after the holidays.” he said over her tirade as he excused himself from the table, already heading toward the front door and grabbing his jacket and keys, coffee forgotten on the kitchen table.

 

The blinking lights of the Christmas tree in the living room were incongruously cheery against Jocelyn’s demands and Leonard’s frustration. “Have a good day!” he called over his shoulder and slipped out of the house, heading to his car and his classes and an escape from circular arguments that never went anywhere at all.

 

~~~

 

It was ten thirty at night when Leonard stopped by Cal’s apartment to drop off some things and change into his scrubs before his eleven o’clock shift at the hospital. There were plenty of sights he’d expected to see after spending well over a year walking in on this fool friend of his. Cal might be doing some last minute course work, there sure was enough of that. He might be sprawled on the couch in his underwear eating take-out and marathoning some truly bad series on his PADD. But there was still one more week of classes before the Christmas break so he didn’t expect Cal to be frantically grabbing things and shoving them into a suitcase in the middle of the night.

 

“Where’s the fire?” Leonard asked as he surveyed the chaos, checking the door shut with his hip and crossing his arms over his chest as he watched.

 

“Dramia II.” Cal told him. The two of them, and most of the campus really, hell even the news outlets had spoken of little else for the past weeks. The epidemic was raging out of control on the remote colony and there were outraged demands for the Federation to do something about it.

 

“Come again?”

 

“There’s a relief effort, Leo. I thought you’d’ve heard by now. You’re coming, aren’t you?”

 

And just like that, Leonard felt a spike of adrenaline shoot through him. He’d been poking his nose in every corner and crevice he could, looking for a relief effort to join in on in some way. “What relief effort?”

 

“We’re leaving tonight. Tomorrow I guess.” Cal ran a hand through his hair messily. “Two in the morning the shuttle departs. I’m going. Professor Klein. Abagail, Don....”

 

“Jesus Christ.” Len checked his communicator and his PADD for missed texts or emails. “Doesn’t anyone think to tell me a goddamned thing?”

 

Cal was already pulling out his own PADD. “Here, I’m forwarding you the details. I think Klein’s one of those heading it. They’ve got enough vaccines to inoculate the whole colony against the Saurian flu, plus a whole slew o’ supplies to treat those already affected. You are coming, aren’t you? You email Klein now and you can get a spot before they’re filled.”

 

Len’s head was spinning, and he couldn’t seem to get air fast enough. He wanted to help. He had to help, felt a moral imperative pulling him in the gut. This was the exact reason he’d gone into this field. Jocelyn would understand, wouldn’t she? His heart beat fast in his chest, because he wasn’t altogether certain she _would_ support him in this. He wanted to think the most of her but the date suddenly kicked into his memory. “Jesus, Cal. It’s almost Christmas. I’ve got family coming... hell I’ve got a shift tonight at the hospital.” He looked at the bag still slung over his shoulder, remembering why he’d come back to the apartment to begin with.

 

“Well cancel it!” Cal swung his arms wildly. “Priorities, man. And fuck Christmas. A whole colony dying of a preventable disease? Merry fucking Christmas.”

 

“You’re right.” Leonard firmed his jaw. “You’re right, I know. I’ll text the hospital. Jocelyn.” His mind whirred with thoughts of the colony, of Christmas, of medical duty, of things he had to do. There was so much to do. He’d have to swing home, pack something. Yet the back of his mind nagged him about the most asinine thing. Jocelyn had asked him to go to the store, to pick up some things tomorrow on his way home from work. He wouldn’t be able to help her do the shopping. Or pick out gifts for the coming holiday. Or air out the goddamned guest room. His mother would understand. And JoJo.... His heart ached that he wouldn’t be there for the holiday with his little girl, but he told himself that she was still only three, too young to really understand the difference between one day and the next anyway. He’d make it up to her. Jocelyn though, was another story. As if last Thanksgiving hadn’t been bad enough. Now he was going to ruin her Christmas. And unlike last Thanksgiving, he could hardly ask his wife and child to leave on a dime for a medical relief effort.

 

“Text me.” Cal urged him, zipping up his suitcase. “I’m going to find Abby and try to find out who all’s going, if they need help loading the shuttle.”

 

“Right.” Len answered with a nod, feeling dizzy and a little breathless. “Right. I’ve got to swing home. Pack. I’ll text.” He was already firing away messages back and forth with Klein, securing himself a seat on the shuttle as his professor urged him to get his ass in gear. The final week of classes next week would understandably be excused for all those participating.

 

~~~

 

“I thought you weren’t home until tomorrow.” Jocelyn looked up from where she was quietly reading in the living room, clearly dressed in her pj’s for bed soon. Leonard recalled the time was actually late. Working night shifts always skewed his sense of time, not to mention the crazy hours he routinely kept as a medical student. Jocelyn looked up with a distinctly pleased smile. Leonard’s conscience twinged with guilt, even as his skin buzzed with adrenaline.

 

“I was going to be.” Leonard’s hand came to the back of his neck as he felt his heart hammer in his chest. He had to go pack, but he was frozen under the scrutiny of his wife.

 

“Len, what did you do?” she asked with a sort of sad, sort of exasperated sigh. Already it was clear that Jocelyn knew him well enough to know something unpleasant was coming.

 

“I’ve got a chance to really do something good here, Joce.” Leonard tried to explain to her, willed her to feel his excitement, and his need to act.

 

“What is it?” she pressed, clearly not wanting the long explanation.

 

“Dramia II.”

 

Jocelyn’s lips pressed to a hard line. “When? You’re leaving tonight?” her eyebrows rose into her hair.

 

“They’re sending an emergency convoy. I can be at the forefront of this, Jocelyn.” he explained. “This is the whole reason I got into medicine. To help people.”

 

“You help people ever day.” she argued him, but it was an argument they’d hashed out in a million configurations, and Leonard didn’t have the time or inclination to say it all again.

 

“I’ve got to pack.” he said shortly, turning to head toward the stairs. He hoped to god their arguing didn’t wake the kid this time. He’d known Jocelyn wouldn’t support him. He’d expected it, and to a degree he understood it, when he allowed himself to remember the context of the holiday. But the context of the epidemic surged up to take its place, and rather resentfully he wished that Jocelyn could just let him do this for himself. That she’d stand aside if she wouldn’t stand with him.

 

As expected, Jocelyn came to stand in the doorway while he stuffed his duffel, and he had some serious deja vu. Only now it was almost worse than the argument of the previous year’s Thanksgiving. Whatever points he’d won back by being the dutiful husband just weeks ago for this year’s celebration were clearly being lost in abandoning his family on Christmas. Now, his wife was simply silent as she watched on, and when he allowed himself to look up at her, she looked profoundly sad.

 

Leonard stopped with he was doing and took her hands in his. “I’ve got to do this Jocelyn.” he pleaded to her, willing her to say she understood. She didn’t say so, because she didn’t understand. “I’ll be back by the new year.” he told her, searching her face for a clue as to whether she were going to cry or fly into a rage. There was clearly some emotion lying under the surface, but in spite of having known her for so many years, he couldn’t discern it as she held it in. “I’ll text you with updates.” Leonard told her, and pressed a kiss to her mouth that she barley returned, as if only on instinct. Then he pulled himself away, and made himself move. A glance at the time reminded him he was on a schedule, and he could already hear his comm. going off with messages from Klein and from Cal. He had to go.

 


	5. Encounter

The rest of the year had flown by. Now, Georgia was in the heat of its summer, between Leonard’s third and fourth (and final) years of medical school. He was twenty-five years of age, but what really made him aware of the passage of time was that Joanna was now four. It seemed like just the blink of an eye since she’d been a tiny baby. Now, well into the Georgia heat, half a year had passed since the Christmas That Wasn’t, and things had smoothed over at home a bit, or at least move d forward. Leonard still hadn’t managed to escape the tension of his general life, but he  was soon to be afforded  a small break to attend a medical conference for a few days with Cal.

 

Len was pumped. Only a few med students from around the country were going to be at the xenobiology conference in Montgomery, Alabama. Not only had he been approved, but Cal had too. They had four days of conference and two days of travel together, and Leonard was on cloud nine. He would have been ecstatic just to be able to go to the conference and hear keynote speakers on topics that weren't even in books yet. But to have his best friend with him? Priceless.

 

“You ready in there, Callie?” he called from Cal's living room as Cal finished packing things up in his bedroom. The apartment was modern, thank god, so the air was at least on the cooler side of lukewarm as the air conditioner struggled against Georgia heat. Leonard’s shirt was in a constant state of damp from sweat, or damp from humidity, and his hours out in the wider world were spent hopping from one air conditioned building to the next as quickly as humanly possible.

 

“I told you not to call me that!” Cal hollered back out at him.

 

“Don't get bent out of shape, darlin'.” Len grinned.

 

“I swear to God, Leo --” Cal threatened, finally moving into the main room with his luggage in hand. “You ready?” he nodded to Len, who was fully packed himself.

 

“Just waitin' on you. We may as well get on the shuttle before we get left behind.”

 

“I've got a club I want to check out tonight.” Cal grinned as he led the way out his door, locking it behind him.

 

“Of course you do.”

 

“We've got the time. This place is really supposed to be somethin'.”

 

“Whatever you say, darlin'.”

 

~~~

 

The club really, really was something, just as Cal has promised. Leonard had been to a lot of wild parties before, but nothing had prepared him for the loud rhythmic music of Trigger, nor the mass of writhing bodies around him. Bodies of every make and model, more colourful than anything he'd seen before, even in his short stints off world. Even when he'd gone to various cultural hubs for trips through the years. It was only now that he really started to realize how sheltered he'd been, and thanked god that Jocelyn wasn't here to see this. She couldn't even handle the Wheelhouse, which was comparatively quiet, if a little dirty.

 

Seeing Cal so at ease with it made him wonder, and he downed another shot before someone of ambiguous species and gender pulled him onto the dance floor. He flashed a shocked look at Cal who only unhelpfully gave him a thumbs-up. In the back of his mind, Len did worry about his vows to Joce, but at the same time it was harmless dancing in a club. And honestly the more he looked, the more he was convinced he wasn’t being hit on by some strange woman. No, just an overly friendly man, and somehow that made it seem less like dangerous territory. He relaxed and swayed his body to the music, tentatively returning the stranger's smile.

 

God. He was only  twenty-five and he felt like an old man.  How long had it been since he'd been at a simple party? He and Jocelyn had partied all the damn time in college and now she was mad every time he wasn't home from work immediately. He breathed deeply and let his eyes slide shut a bit as he moved with the mass of people around him, feeling the alcohol kick in to his system.

 

A  hand on his shoulder caused him to look into the eyes of the man dancing with him once again, and he looked a bit more closely. No,  it  _was_ a woman  after all . Wasn't it? Those ridges reminded him of something but... wait was xe  _J'naii_ ? Before he could even begin to speculate what a  _J'naii_ would be doing on Earth and at a club like this, or for that matter confirm or deny his suspicions in the dim lighting of the club, he felt someone sidle up behind him and dance intimately close. A certain bit of anatomy jutting against him confirmed that whoever  _that_ was was definitely male. He looked over his shoulder and confirmed that indeed it was a man -- or a boy at least. 

 

Young, fit, wearing far too little and with his skin shimmering with glitter. Len smirked and was about to tell him that he wasn't exactly interested, but the boy's hand was already moving down his hip proprietously and forward to cup him intimately. His whole body jerked. “Listen, I think you've got the wrong idea,” he said, squirming away even as the damned octopus seemed to cling.

 

“I don't know, I think I've got a pretty great idea. You seem at least a little interested.”

 

He huffed an awkward laugh, feeling his face go red, but he didn’t remove the hand. He'd never even considered being with a man, and certainly hadn't been propositioned by one. He was quickly getting in over his head, and his eyes scanned the bar for Cal where he'd left him but found nothing. Damn.

 

“Listen, kid.”

 

“Not so much a kid, but we can play it that way.” The imp grinned at him.

 

Len felt his face heat up even more if it were possible. “You're not exactly my type,” he said, finally managing to pull away from the guy and get an inch of space, though there wasn't much with the crowd continuing to writhe around them. There was no sign of the androgyne any longer.

 

The boy tilted his head in bewilderment for a second. “I'm not usually wrong about these things,” he said with some confusion, seeming unconvinced. “Unless you mean you don't top? I normally bottom but I'm versatile.”

 

“Jesus Christ,” Len muttered, and thought about retreating to the bar for another drink, but his head was already swimming with too much alcohol to think on how to get out of this gracefully. “What I mean is I'm married,” he said, flashing his ring, and the boy did waver a bit at that, eyeing Len speculatively.

 

“You're awfully friendly with the crowd for a guy who's married,” he said.

 

And damn it if it weren't true. Leonard felt like a lead weight had sunk in his stomach at that declaration. He'd only been trying to unwind,  _just once_ , and now he felt like he'd damn near cheated on Jocelyn. And he hadn't even  _done_ anything. Hadn't even thought it! Now he just wanted to go back to his hotel room and text his wife. He turned away and went to hunt down Cal, thinking he'd make his excuses and head back early. After all, this was Cal's choice in entertainment, not his own, and the man was capable of finishing the night off himself. 

 

That was, if he could even find him now. Leonard sighed as he eyed the crowd, again, having made no progress, and figured he'd just send Cal a text that he'd left. He ducked into the restroom before leaving and barely registered the door opening and closing as he relieved himself into the urinal.

 

A low whistle startled him out of his skin and his eyes immediately confirmed the same boy from earlier. “If that's what you're packin' soft, I can't even imagine what you're like hard. Just give me twenty minutes with you in the stall or the alley and I guarantee you won't regret it.”

 

This time when Leonard felt his skin flush it was with anger. “I oughtta kick your ass,” he threatened as he quickly did up his jeans, and was satisfied when the boy took a nervous step backward, his face losing its brazen charm as it crumpled in worry.

 

“Listen, I didn't mean --”

 

“You're damn right you didn't, if you know what's good for you,” Len grumbled and stalked out of the restroom before he did something that would get him in trouble with the authorities. He stalked his way out of the club, shoving people aside to get through the thick knot of bodies, and breathed in the cool night air.

 

He wanted to punch a damn wall but he kept himself together as he fiddled with his communicator and sent off a message to Cal, all typoed to hell, about him leaving early. Then he fiddled with the damn thing some more until he called up directions to his hotel room -- only a few blocks away, but hell if he knew which direction without looking it up. It didn't help that his mind was fogged with anger and alcohol, and just to confuse things further his dick was hard enough to pound nails.

 

W hen he finally got back to the hotel, he'd walked some of his hormones and alcohol out of his system, and he let the last drain out of him in a long hot shower, taking care of his biological problem efficiently and without much thought over it. If he let himself think he'd just upset himself and possibly lose his erection and go to bed cranky and blue balled.

 

He threw on a pair of sweats and crashed on the couch to watch videos on his PADD before he passed out, and it was later that night when he awoke bleary eyed and stiff in the same position, lights still on full as the hotel door opened and closed, the sound of distant laughter echoing in the halls as another group of people went by.

 

“You know, just because you're used to my couch doesn't mean you have to sleep on one every time we room together,” Cal joked at him as he struggled to sit up, wiping sand from his bleary eyes.

 

“Time 's it?” he mumbled.

 

“It's just shy of midnight, old man. It's really not that late. Why'd you leave so early anyway?”

 

Len gave him a sour look but relented and gave him the bare bones explanation of what had happened at the club. By the end of his tale, Cal had the strangest, most speculative look on his face.

 

“What?” Len grunted.

 

“Nothin',” Cal answered defensively, throwing his hands up.

 

“Just out with whatever you're thinkin', Callie. May as well speak your mind.”

 

“I'm just wondering if you're pissed because you were propositioned or because it was a man who did it.”

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

“Ain't supposed to mean anything. It's just a question.”

 

“Fuck off, Cal. I'm not a damn homophobe if that's what you're saying. I'm a goddamned married man.”

 

“Alright.”

 

“Joce would have my balls for it.”

 

“I said alright.”

 

Len glared at him, just daring to say 'alright' one more damn time, while his mind turned over the implicit accusation. If it had been a woman coming on to him.... What? What would he have  done ?  What would he have felt? Flattered or flustered? He wouldn't have  _done_ anything, of course. He was married. But would he have wanted to bash her face in? He tried to picture the pretty androgyne from earlier in the night doing the same thing to him, or better yet some buxom blonde. 

 

“You comin' to bed, or stayin' on the couch all night?” Cal prompted him when he didn't move or speak, scowling into space as he went over and over the events of the evening.

 

“I'm comin',” he sighed, and pried his stiff bones off the couch to head to the bed Cal hadn't claimed to turn in. It sure did beat the couch.

 


	6. Moving On Up

Time had flown, and Leonard’s final year of med school had rushed in on him. Rather than winding down, he found that in that final year he was busier than ever as teachers tried to cram into their students every last bit of medical knowledge that they could, while students scrambled to set themselves apart in hopes of getting into a good residency program.

 

Between hospital hours, classes, and thesis, Leonard was swamped. Heading home to his wife and four-year-old only added to the burden and strain. As much as he loved his family, Leonard only had so much to give, and these days it felt like he was running on pure will to survive.

 

So rather than simply floating Cal a few bucks to crash on a pull out sofa a handful of times a week, Leonard was considering moving in with his friend on a more full time basis, just for the duration of the year at least. He knew Jocelyn wouldn’t like it, but well, the rational thing to do as far as he was concerned would be for his two gals to move into the city with him so that he could be with them more often without any added strain. And Jocelyn was dead set against that.

 

“I thought we went over this. I don't want my own husband living outside of my house!” Jocelyn exclaimed, the hurt evident in her tone.

 

Leonard winced. He'd brought this up months ago to a similarly volatile reaction. Now they sat at the kitchen table in late September, hashing out the same arguments they’d been having for years. The semester had only just started, and Len could see that the constant back and forth wasn’t going to be sustainable. He was exhausted from years of trying to make it work, and he couldn’t see why Jocelyn wouldn’t see that it _wasn’t_ working like this. If only she’d bend a little. His final year of med school wasn't getting any easier. Even without the increased workload, the constant tension with his wife only made things harder.

 

“Look, Joce, things aren't getting any easier around here. I _want_ to be able to spend time with you but you won't even entertain the idea of moving into the campus housing.  You haven’t had a problem with me sharing with Cal before. I’ll just be sharing with him more often.”

 

“More often. You mean full time.” Jocelyn said in a hard tone, her voice already rising in volume. Len had hoped to have this discussion calmly but when had these things ever gone calmly between them? He was only glad that JoJo wasn’t here for this, instead spending the day with her B-ma.

 

“It wouldn’t have to mean full time if you’d bend a little, Joce.” Len said incredulously. “You could have moved into town at any point so far, but you’re not willing to bend. Now I’m trying to make the best out of a difficult situation.”

 

“And if you move in with Cal?” Jocelyn asked him. “What am I supposed to do all day out here with you gone?”

 

“I wouldn't be gone much more than I already am --” Len tried to explain over top of her, but she just kept on.

 

“I'm already home here alone all day with Joanna. Mama can't keep driving out here all the time, you know. And what about my career, Len?”

 

“What about it?” he asked in utter confusion. This was the first time since Joanna’s birth that he was hearing anything at all about her career. When they'd decided to have the baby she'd been emphatic that she wanted to take at least the first five years off of her career path to be a mother, and that was fine by him. Really anything was fine by him.

 

“What about it? That's just like you. It's always about your career and where you want to drag this family off to next, isn't it?” Jocelyn pressed. “That damned weeks-long expedition to Dramia II over the holidays. Now all this constant talk of moving to Mars or some such for your residency program. Well in case you have forgotten you're not the only one with a college degree around here.”

 

“I didn't forget anything --”

 

“I want to take the RN exam.” she declared boldly, bracing herself as if for objection, though Len couldn't imagine why. He blinked a bit in confusion.

 

“Well that's great, darlin'.” he said sincerely.

 

“And I want to go back to work.” she pressed on uncertainly. “But who's going to watch JoJo? If you work, then I've got to take a break from my career, but it's been four years now and I'm going stir crazy in this old house.”

 

“Which is why I keep sayin' we should move in closer to town. You'd have more people, more things to do, easier access to the stores --”

 

“Damn it, Len! Are you even listening?” she exclaimed. “Being a nurse might not be as demanding as what you're doing but it's still a demanding job. All we have for backup is Mama and she's in the next town over. I think we should consider moving closer to my parents so that they can help out with Joanna. I could work at Daddy's practice --”

 

“Now wait just a minute.” Len interrupted. “That's the exact opposite of what I think would help us get things together. If we move in to the city we could easily pay for child care, especially if we're both working. There's nothing for me in that old dusty town, Joce. We've been over that. You might be willing to work for your father's small town practice but I'm absolutely not. And what are we going to do next year when I go into my residency? We've got to get used to the idea that we might have to actually _move_ somewhere, Joce. And it's not the end of the world if we do.”

 

“You could do your residency at the same hospital you're with now.” Jocelyn said with a look of bewilderment.

 

“Like hell.” Len disagreed. He was so done with the conversation, and he was done eating for that matter as well. He'd lost his appetite. “I'm going to pack up some things to settle in with Cal.” he announced with a tone of finality. “We'll talk about the residency program later on when you know where you're at in your career.” he said, laying his napkin down and standing from the table. Without another word or a pause to hear more of what Jocelyn had to say, he left the room. He'd do some packing and head to Cal's \-- now _his_ \-- apartment, he supposed.  Not just temporarily anymore, but in an official capacity. He tried not to think too hard about what was happening to his life. They’d managed to push forward so far anyway. He had to believe they could push through this as well somehow. And at any rate, he had too much work on his mind to have space for another argument headed nowhere.

 


	7. New York, New York

It was a cold, bleak Friday afternoon in February, and Cal had gotten some idea in his fool head that he and Len should take off to god-knows-where for the weekend. At least, Len thought, the trip wouldn’t conflict with any holidays this time, but he still wasn’t so sure about the impromptu trip.

 

“You wanna go _where_?” Len asked, as Cal had assaulted him with questions and statements as soon as he'd walked in the door from his last class of the day.

 

“Are you listening to a thing I'm saying?” Cal asked in exasperation. “What are you doin'? Put your shoes back on and pack your bag. Our shuttle leaves in an hour.”

 

“What shuttle? Are you out of your mind? Where'd you say this thing is?”

 

“New York City.”

 

“I don't have any time to go to New York City. I've got two papers to write, a test next Tuesday, not to mention rounds this weekend.”

 

“I cleared your schedule, now come _on_.”

 

“How the hell did you clear _my_ schedule?” Len asked, a bit outraged.

 

“Do you want to hear Doctor Michelle Gessler speak on retro-viruses or not?”

 

“You're kidding.”

 

“I don't kid. I've been tellin’ you about this virus conference for weeks. It's like I'm talkin’ to a wall, I swear to god.”

 

Len was throwing things into a bag haphazardly by now, finally getting with the program. “I thought you said this thing starts tomorrow.”

 

“It does. I got us an express shuttle.”

 

“How the hell'd you swing that?”

 

“Doctor Forester. He's the one who cleared your schedule, dumbass.”

 

Well, that did make more sense at least. Doctor Forester was the one who'd sent both he and Cal to the conference months ago in Alabama. The man seemed to know every major medical professional in this quadrant somehow, and he had the authority to send his protégés off to wherever he thought would constitute an educational field trip of sorts. “Remind me to put him on the Christmas card list.” Len said as he finished packing.

 

And unlike with the Alabama trip, he knew he didn’t have to argue with Jocelyn about it for once. As far as his wife was concerned, he’d be at his and Cal’s apartment all weekend anyway, swamped with school and work. He took a deep breath of relief that he wouldn’t have to hash it out _again_ , just to go to a simple medical conference, even as the corner of his conscience twinged with a nebulous sort of guilt. It wasn’t exactly as if going to a conference would upset Jocelyn in some way on principle, but the fact that he didn’t plan to mention it to her pulled at him. Then again, why argue for no reason at all?

 

~~~

 

As they settled into their shuttle seats, Cal was continually fiddling with his PADD, as usual.

 

“Would you put that thing away? You're makin' me nervous.” Len griped.

 

“You'll never guess where we're going tonight.” Cal said, ignoring him entirely.

 

“Oh god, not another one of those clubs of yours.” Len rolled his eyes and then scowled when Cal only grinned. “No way in hell after that place you took me in Montgomery. I can only imagine what you found in New York.”

 

“It'll be even better than the one in Montgomery. You haven't seen nothin' yet.”

 

“I don't want to see nothin' yet.” Len griped. “And how is it you know about all this shit? I haven’t seen you with a single steady partner in the entire time I’ve known you, and there’s not a hell of a lot of time we spend apart. Not to mention there ain’t nothing like that club in Montgomery where we’re at. Do I even want to know what you used to do with your spare time in college? Or god forbid high school?”

 

Cal simply cracked up and didn't confirm or deny anything. “Listen, I won't let you out of my sight for a second this time. There's no need to go moping around the hotel room on your own. We've got the weekend in New York, Leo. Let your hair down a little.”

 

~~~

 

Leonard, it turned out, did let his hair down a little. By ten o'clock that night he was several beers into a good buzz and he and Cal found themselves ensconced in a booth with two other men who were strangers to them, the four of them laughing and carrying on like they'd been friends since birth. He felt good, felt at ease, and he wondered in the back of his mind when he'd last had such a good laugh.

 

Across from him, John was telling some tale of Alex's antics. The two of them apparently roomed together too and it was hilarious hearing about the pranks they pulled on one another.

 

“Actually put every last pair of my boxers in water and then in the freezer. Can you believe that? And on the day of my interview!” John went on. Len cracked up to the point of tears. “I didn't know it until it was time to leave in the morning and I had to either wear swim trunks or go commando. Well I'll let you guess what I ended up trying to wear with dress pants. I could have _died._ ”

 

“You deserved it.” Alex insisted. “It was payback!”

 

“Why didn't you just take some of his?” Cal asked curiously.

 

“Oh my god, as if I could fit in what he wears.” John rolled his eyes, and Len had to laugh again. Now that he took the time to size them up he realized that Alex was at least a size below John.

 

“So you two live together?” Alex questioned.

 

Cal slung his arm around Len's shoulders as he answered. “This guy'd been crashing on my couch so long that I upgraded it to a bed for him and moved him on in.”

 

“Aww, that's sweet.” John smiled at them.

 

“Ain't nothin' sweet about it.” Len groused. “He just wanted to be able to charge me some rent for the time I spend there.” Alex cracked up, but John wouldn't be swayed from his high opinion of Cal.

 

“So you said you're here for some conference?”

 

“Yeah, just for the weekend ....”

 

~~~

 

Cal and Len swayed back to their hotel, arms around each other's shoulders as they leaned against one another for support. They'd maybe had a bit too much to drink, but they rarely did, and Len felt utterly relaxed for a change.

 

“So what'd you think of John and Alex?” Cal asked curiously.

 

“They seemed like a nice couple of guys.” Len said simply. “Seem like they've been friends a long time.”

 

Cal snorted. “That's putting it mildly.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean?” Len asked distractedly, fishing out his room card and trying to get the damned door open -- always a challenge, even when sober.

 

“You know they were together, right?” Cal asked as he leaned against the wall, waiting for Len to get the door to accept the card.

 

“Well they came together, live together. What are you getting at?”

 

“Together, together, Leo. They're boyfriends, or hell maybe they're married for all I know.”

 

The door beeped and clicked open but Len stared at Cal instead, and blinked in shock for a moment. He'd known gay men before, of course, but always in a distant sort of way. Not personally. He'd just sort of known  _of_ them,  in the same way that he knew there were Zoroastrians out there somewhere .

 

“Wait, really? How the hell did you work out a thing like that?”

 

“Jesus, Leo. You know they thought we were together too, don't you?” Cal simply shook his head in fond bewilderment, then pushed past Len to get into the room, Len following behind in a lost sort of way as he shut the door.

 

His head was spinning. “Together. You mean they thought -- you -- we....”

 

Cal sighed heavily as he stared at his friend with an indecipherable look. “Honest to god, Leo, if I'd known it was gonna bother you I guess I would have corrected them but you were leanin' on me just as friendly-like.”

 

“Wait, what are you sayin'? You've actually thought about it?” Len asked, trying desperately to think through his inebriation, without much effect. This was totally different from when he'd been accosted by a strange man at the club in Montgomery. This was Cal. This was Cal who gave him a couch and later a bed, and rubbed his feet and went drinking with him and told him he'd be a good doctor. And these men tonight were not covered in glitter or scantily dressed, and he hadn't heard a word about sex or innuendo or even a mention they'd been a couple the entire night. He felt like he wasn't really following the thread any longer, and with the kind of coursework and medical procedures and white papers he was used to, that was really saying something.

 

“Forget it, Leo,” Cal said with a slight shrug. “Let's just get some rest and enjoy the conference. I ain't gonna make this weird.”

 

“It's already weird. Now you answer the question. You're saying you've considered... what, dating me? I'm a married man --”

 

“I _know_ , Leo. And I've never come on to you a single time, have I? I'm not a home wrecker. But have I thought about it? Of course I have.” Cal's full focus was on Leonard now, and for the first time Len was starting to be able to read the opaque looks that Cal would sometimes hit him with. He had one now, the look of a man who wants something he'll never have. “You're a good looking man, and if I didn't know you I'd still consider you, for a night, for an hour, if I had the chance. But I do know you, and I know it's better than that. You're smart, you're sweet.” Cal cupped Len's cheek with one dry hand, and Leonard was struck by how different it was from Jocelyn's. Warm, dry, solid. 

 

Gently, Cal's thumb brushed over the stubble on his cheek. “I've considered it, and I know you're a married man, and that's all there is to it,” he said, letting his hand drop. And before Len could say anything else, Cal disappeared into the bathroom and started the shower.

 


	8. Marital Bliss

While February had offered Len a brief reprieve from the tension he’d been living with, in the form of a trip and a conference, March came blustering in with more school, more stress, and an angry wife. Len did feel  a little  guilty about bailing on her the month prior without a word, and he felt guilty about not being a good enough husband for most of his final med school year. With spring on the horizon, he was determined to try and make things up to her. Determined to try and have the kind of marriage he really wanted, and that he and Jocelyn both deserved.

 

Jocelyn wasn't happy though, and Len knew it. He knew it, because she made very certain that he knew it, as often as she could remind him. She wasn't happy that he was living with Cal most of the time. She wasn't happy with his busy schedule. She wasn't happy being lonely in their country house (that he didn't even want any more), and she wasn't happy about his unwillingness to move further out to the country to be closer to her parents. She wasn't happy that she was practically raising their daughter alone. She hadn’t been happy that he'd gone on that damned weekend trip with Cal without a word about it until after the fact. Though why it would bother her, he had no idea, as she hadn’t tried to contact _him_ even once over the weekend. He'd been friends with Cal for years now, he'd been living with the man, and Joce hadn't been expecting him home that weekend anyhow with the shifts he'd thought he'd had to work and the work he'd had to do for class. (Which he'd still had to complete, by the way, conference or no.)

 

And Len, for his part, was miserable about it. He took her out to dinner when he had time and he spent more time commuting and sleeping in a cold bed with his cold wife. The tension was constant, and felt even more keenly when Jocelyn's parents would come to visit.

 

Len rolled over in bed now that Jocelyn had  _finally_ come to bed for the night, and tried to spoon up behind his wife. She went stiff in his arms, and inwardly he cringed. He was  _trying_ , damn it. He kissed her gently on the back of her neck. Just like she'd always liked.

 

“Len, stop,” she admonished him tiredly. “I'm not in the mood.”

 

“Come on, Joce. Don't be like that,” he pleaded quietly. “I've missed you.”

 

Jocelyn snorted bitterly and made no comment.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he asked with a bit of an edge to his own voice, his patience fraying.

 

“If you missed me so damned much, Leonard, you'd be home with your family.”

 

Exhaustion swept through him. “You knew when I started med school that this would be a long process, Jocelyn. Most people don't even bother dating until after their residency.”

 

“So now you're sayin' you regret our entire marriage?” she asked incredulously.

 

“That's not what I'm sayin' at all! I love you,” he insisted. “But we knew from the start we were takin' a hard route here. I won't be in school forever and I need your help to get through this, for _us_ to get through it.”

 

“Don't you dare act like the victim here, Leonard Horatio,” Jocelyn snapped. “I knew when we got married that you wanted to become a doctor. I did not know you wanted to go off planet for residency and beyond. I did not know you wanted to become some big shot fancy surgeon and research scientist. I did not know you wanted to go to conferences and take extra courses and participate in interplanetary humanitarian efforts. And I know I sound like a complete bitch for complaining about it. You're brilliant, and you're helping people out there. But damn it, Len! We bought this house together and had a _child_ together and this was in no way what I signed up for.

 

“Now I'm tryin' to be understanding here but I'm sick to death of not seeing my own husband. And I don't feel like you're being very fair at all in this. You've gone ahead and _moved out_ , or did you forget it?”

 

“I didn't move out,” he protested.

 

“You damn well did --”

 

“I moved in with Cal a few nights a week --”

 

“ -- without any discussion --”

 

“ -- on a pull-out couch. You think that's where I want ---

 

“-- eating alone with my daughter?”

 

“-- know what the hours are like --”

 

“-- askin' after her daddy--”

 

“Damn it, Joce, are you even tryin' to listen to me or are you going to just lecture me all night?” he snapped.

 

“Get out,” she said in a deadly cold voice.

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me. I said get out. This is exactly what I didn't want. So get out of _my_ bed, and go off to _your_ apartment, and sleep on your damned pull out couch. You want to sleep on a couch so badly? Then sleep on it.”

 

Leonard was furious. This was the first night all week he'd been able to come home, a Friday night. He'd managed to get off all of Saturday which was usually a busy day at the hospital, and this was what he got in response? Well screw that. It didn't matter that it was one in the morning, he was through with arguing. He got up as had been  _demanded_ of him, put on his clothes, and left in the middle of the night. Part of him was hurting to be thrown out on his ear by his own wife. A large part of him was upset that he probably wouldn't get to see more of his little girl over the weekend, which truthfully had been the thing he'd been most looking forward to with his time off. 

 

But right now? Right now all he wanted to do was get the hell out of this stifling house. He'd had enough of the quiet, judging disdain of his in-laws. The constant tension between him and Joce. The never ending cyclic arguments.

 

What he wanted, at one thirty in the morning, when he'd hit town, was a  _drink_ . He had half an hour left until the bars closed, and he was going to make the best use he could of the time. Which was why by two-thirty when he finally stumbled in to the apartment he shared with Cal, he was totally smashed from drinking way too much way too quickly. And he didn't give a damn.

 

~~~

 

Cal looked up from the couch where he'd been sitting in the dark dozing, his PADD propped up on the coffee table and flickering with some video he'd left running. He, too, had been out, but not quite so late. Now he looked blearily at his roommate with a bit of confusion.

 

“Leo? I thought you were spendin' the weekend with Jocelyn and the kid.”

 

“Fuck Jocelyn,” he slurred slightly, flinging himself down unsteadily to the couch, forcing Cal to shove over and make some room. And anyway, it was _Len's_ couch now.

 

“You two get in another fight?” Cal asked, waking himself up a bit in order to try to be sympathetic, though he was sleepy and still had a good bit of alcohol in him.

 

“That woman is the goddamned ice queen. First night I have time to connect with her in _weeks_ and I get the cold shoulder. Do you know how long it's been since I last slept with my own goddamned wife?” Len demanded.

 

“No. No, I don't.”

 

“Too, goddamned long. It ain't right. And she makes me out to be the villain. Like I ain't _tryin_ '.” Len looked at Cal with lost eyes, and felt them brimming with tears even as his body twitched to fight something, someone. His voice cracked. “Well I'm _tired_ of tryin'. I'm goddamned tired.”

 

“Leo,” Cal breathed softly, his eyes far too gentle for a drunk man at two thirty in the morning. And just like that, he kissed him. And just like that, Len felt himself be kissed. By a man.

 

“Why did you do that?” Len asked, stunned. He hadn't even really been able to take it in. One minute he was having a break down, and the next.... He might still be on the verge of one, really. This was... this was bad. The kind of thing a good man with a wife and child wouldn't do, surely.

 

“Because you're cryin' on my couch again at two in the goddamned morning and you feel like shit and I wanted to kiss you,” Cal said, pressing his forehead against Leonard's. “And I'm a terrible person and I'm going straight to hell for it, and I _know_ , you're married and you don't _do this_ , but Leo....” Cal looked up helplessly. “I don't know how else to make it better, and I'm tired of seeing you upset.”

 

Leonard swallowed thickly. He was tired of  _being_ upset. And for just a moment, he wanted to feel wanted, and cared for, by someone who always supported him, always told him he could do more, should do more, and who always made him feel welcome and wanted and good. And for a bitter moment, he just didn't give a single damn about Jocelyn. And for a single moment, he wanted to try that kiss again while he was paying attention so that he could know what it was like to kiss a man. Something he'd never in a million years thought he'd want to try, but over the past few years had been slowly forced to confront.

 

With the haze of alcohol fuelling him, he pressed forward again, and kissed Cal this time. And  Cal kissed back. And it was  _good_ . It was tender, and it was rough, and Cal had an angular jaw and stubble and a strong tongue and it was nothing,  _nothing_ like kissing Jocelyn had been. 

 

Len didn't know where to put his hands, but he knew he wanted to keep kissing, so he did. And when Cal's hands began to move more freely, Len didn't stop him. Didn't stop him when they lost their shirts, or when Cal straddled his hips and made out with him like they were horny teenagers.

 

Cal's ass didn't feel wrong in his hands, and his hard cock didn't feel wrong up against Len's own. He could tell clearly what it was as they rubbed through their jeans. And he was really too old for this type of thing, and t o o  _married_ (don't think about it, don't think about it...) but it felt good. A corner of Len's brain recognized he'd never actually done this sort of thing with anyone but Jocelyn at all, and wondered whether he'd attached himself too young. And a corner of his brain wondered why the fuck Cal's body felt better than any damn thing he'd ever felt in his life. It was in this haze of thought and feeling that his orgasm caught him by surprise, triggering Cal's own, cum in their pants like they had no finesse at all.

 

Len was nearly coherent enough to be mortified, until he felt Cal shaking with silent laughter against him, forehead to forehead once again.

 

“Damn. It's been a long time since I've gotten off like that,” he said with satisfaction.

 

“It wasn't half bad,” Len admitted with some reluctance, and a small smile. But now came the awkward moment after the deed. When they had to make eye contact again, at least a little. When Cal had to climb off of Leonard's lap, and they knew they'd shortly have to clean up in the shower, go to bed probably. Separately? What had they done, exactly?

 

“I hope it was better than even half bad,” Cal said hesitantly, his body slightly tensed and his soft smile seeming nervous.

 

“Callie,” Len said gently, “we can't...” he started, and felt a stab of guilt when Cal winced, looked so gutted. “I'm ma--”

 

“I know,” he interrupted quickly. “Shit, I _know_ , Leo.” Cal ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “God, I'm such a shit for taking advantage of you,” he admonished himself.

 

“You didn't,” Len insisted, and seeing that Cal was going to protest he grabbed his arm and forced him to really pay attention. “You _didn't,_ ” he reiterated. “It's something that happened, and it was good. But it can't happen again.”

 

“Alright.” Cal nodded.

 

“We still good?” Len asked uncertainly. He couldn't handle it if his other home (this one) were to become awkward and tense as well.

 

“We're good,” Cal said sincerely, and Len believed him.

 

~~~

 

It was two weeks after his night with Cal that Jocelyn announced she'd scheduled her RN exam. It was a  full  month after  T he  N ight,  when she'd passed  her exam , and announced her intent to start working again part time at her father's practice  over the summer. Neither one of them mentioned that Len would be starting his residency in September, or where he would go. He’d sent out applications both locally and abroad, and he was running out of time to confirm his acceptance one way or another.

 

It was another week after Jocelyn’s RN exam when she finally tried to make up with him once and for all. And Len had to reluctantly acknowledge that once Jocelyn had started getting her own career goals in order again, things had eased. She had plans now, her own ambitions (though they were small), and he saw in her a spark of the woman he'd fallen in love with years ago. And he felt like absolute shit about what he'd done behind her back. But he'd determined not to bring it up again to anyone, ever. That would be a burden he'd carry the rest of his life, he knew. But he had a chance now to make his marriage work.

 

He spent more time at home. They went on dates and left Joanna with Jocelyn's mother. They talked about Jocelyn's plans to work for her father's clinic, to take the baby with her in the mornings and drop her off at her mother's. They avoided talking about Len's plans for his residency. They avoided acknowledging the reality of his on campus apartment. They never mentioned what might happen to the house.

 

In bed, Jocelyn had thawed out a little. The sex wasn't what Len would consider to be  _good_ sex, exactly, but they were both clearly making the effort. It was boring, and it was a little awkward, and to him the air always felt tense with things carefully left unsaid. His skin itched. Jocelyn's kisses were too gentle.  There was something missing.

 

At first, Len thought that they were just out of practice. There had been so much tension in the air for so long, that they just had to get back into the swing of things. He really had no idea how satisfied Jocelyn was with their sex life, but he certainly wasn't. Not that they'd ever been the type of couple to have a  _frank_ discussion about it. Things had been good, obviously good, for many years, and they'd always just gone with the flow. There had never been any reason to speak about sex directly, bluntly, and frankly Len wasn't sure he could even if Joce had wanted to. Which she clearly didn't. 

 

When getting back into the swing of things didn't work, Leonard considered that maybe what he really wanted was to spice things up. Maybe that, he considered, was what had led him to cheat in the first place that night with Cal. There had been a confluence of factors, but surely one of them was the fact that he'd never really had much experience in his life aside from Jocelyn. And between them, they'd rarely changed up their routine significantly. So he'd tried doing little things.

 

He'd tried sex in the shower one morning, and while he'd been met with a lot of good natured giggling, he'd also been met with questions of what he was up to, and admonishments to let her finish getting herself ready for the day.

 

He'd tried holding her wrists down one night for a slight change of pace, but that had been met with such a negative reaction so as to ruin the mood between them entirely.

 

He'd tried kissing her more deeply, more thoroughly, but no amount of changing up his own style seemed to provoke her to change up hers. He'd felt her hands gripping his back as he'd fucked her, and wished that those long nails of hers would rake into his skin, not carefully grip his shoulders with the pads of her fingers so as not to dig in.

 

He'd rolled Jocelyn on top of him as he sat against the head of the bed and kissed her. She'd been on top before, and she was as wonderful then as she'd always been -- but her ass was shaped wrong, her lips were softer, wetter than he'd ever remembered. Len felt like he was drowning in guilt. He'd had one night of indiscretion, and he was afraid he'd not only ruined his sex life irrecoverably, but that it would inevitably ruin his marriage. Oh he still got erections, still had sex with his wife, still orgasmed even -- but he never felt satisfied.

 

~~~

 

“We ought to talk about the lease on this place,” Cal told Leonard one evening in early May. The two of them were sprawled on the pull-out couch as usual. The final finals were next week, and that would be it for med school. It was almost difficult to believe, and the stress levels across campus were at an all time high. This next week would make or break careers. As such, Len hadn’t had time to give a thought to the apartment lease.

 

Not with finals taking up his time. Not with trying to correct his relationship with his wife. Not when he was trying to forget about his night of indiscretion. Not when residency loomed ahead of him, and along with it an entire life of decisions falling in a line. Once he positioned the head domino in this stack the rest would fall, irrevocably.

 

“What about it?” Len asked distractedly.

 

“I got that acceptance letter I been waitin’ on,” Cal told him earnestly, and Len glanced up to meet his friend’s eyes. Cal’s expression was unreadable, but seemed to contain a hint of melancholy. Cal wasn’t nearly Len’s oldest friend. They’d only met in med school, after all. But for these past four years, Cal had probably been his closest friend, and his only real outlet from the difficulties of his home life. A kindred spirit on this gruelling academic pilgrimage.

 

“That’s great, Callie.” Len smiled a bit sadly, feeling his mouth dry. “Starbase fourteen, was it?” It was a good place to learn, to spend a residency. Full of opportunities one wouldn’t get anywhere on Earth. Certainly not in their small Georgian city.

 

“And you, Leo?” Cal asked him, gaze penetrating. They avoided talk of Len’s future plans, for obvious reasons.

 

“I got a number of acceptance letters,” Len hedged.

 

“It’s May,” Cal insisted. “You’d’ve confirmed one of them by now.”

 

“I’m staying,” Leonard admitted softly.

 

“Leo.” Cal looked disappointed and heartbroken on his behalf, and Leonard couldn’t stand to look at him. “You’ve got so much potential --” he tried to argue, as if it weren’t too late to do something about the corner Leonard had backed himself into. And perhaps it wasn’t technically too late. Leonard had earned his acceptance letters through grit and determination and raw skill. Although it was past time, if he called any number of better options and begged in he’d probably still be able to secure himself a place in a last hurrah.

 

“Don’t.” Leonard stopped Cal’s speech, and a dangerous line of thinking. “I’ve got a wife,” he said in hard tones. “A child. A family here. A life.” What life was it? He couldn’t stand to answer himself. The bright spark of the future seemed to dim on the horizon. His world felt smaller these days. Dusty, confined. But he’d determined to content himself with less, with what he had. What was important. That was just growing up, and look at what his blind ambition had cost him already.

 

Cal looked away, biting his lip. “So you want the lease then?” he asked at length.

 

Leonard had to swallow through the constriction in his throat. This apartment all to himself. No friend to study with him, or chit-chat over his residency. Maybe he could find someone else in the residency program in time to connect with, but friends like Cal were rare. At any rate, he wouldn’t have time to make friends with the gruelling schedule ahead. “I suppose I may as well,” he answered with a false casualness that fooled neither of them. “I’ll have even less time to trek home than I already do.”

 

“Well, it’s yours then,” Cal told him, and that was that.

 

The paperwork could wait. Len would find out later on when Cal planned to finally move out. For now, there were finals. There was fixing what he had with his wife. There was a future to keep his mind on, not maudlin thoughts of a past or a life that would never be. Medical school, above all else, had taught him how to be practical.

 


	9. And Again, And Again

Med school had ended, but Cal hadn’t rushed off immediately at speed to Mars. He hung around a bit, and for that, Len was grateful. He felt stifled by his oncoming future, and the bitterness at the thought of lost opportunities had further soured his relationship with his wife, though he tried not to let it. September would come soon enough, but for now he still had Cal. And in the middle of a hot, Georgian July, Cal had found them one last conference to go to, as a sort of a last hurrah.

 

Unfortunately for Leonard, it was at that conference in July when his night of indiscretion would happen a second time. Leonard had vowed to himself, that he'd never, _ever_ , under any circumstances cheat on his wife again. But well, he’d broken his vows once already. He clearly couldn’t be fully trusted to stick to them.

 

This time the conference was in Dallas Texas. Leonard was excited for it. Of course he was. He wasn’t just on a career path to become a surgeon, he was a junkie for all things medical, and the information at this conference was sure to be stimulating. But at this point, the conference was just as much about getting out of Georgia as anything else.

 

Cal had selected another club, eerily similar to Trigger. Len had gotten himself drunk as quickly as possible (a bad habit he'd developed of late -- the only way he could temporarily relieve himself of the constant tension in his home), and he'd ditched Cal as quickly as possible as well. Because he sure as hell wasn't going to cheat on Jocelyn with Cal, not again. That would mean it was developing into some sort of habit. That would mean that he had a sort of mistress...mister?

 

Instead, he let himself be swept into the crowd with the horrendous beat of music that gave him a headache more than an excuse to dance. He let himself be ogled by some glitter infested twink, again eerily similar to the one he'd met at Trigger. And he could hardly believe what he was thinking, planning, allowing to happen when he found himself in the back alley of the club with this boy that filled him with disgust and regret. What disgusted him more -- his cheating, or his choice in partner?

 

Not that there was anything wrong with a twink, or a young man, or glitter. In any other setting, Leonard McCoy wouldn’t have entertained the remotest hint of a biased thought regarding a being’s choice in aesthetic. But acknowledging _why_ he cared, that he might have a preference, a _type --_ was unthinkable. Thinking itself in this venue was unthinkable, really. For one blissful evening, Len wanted to turn his brain off, and shove existential dread to the side.

 

Len was sloppy drunk when the boy pressed him against the bricks in the alley. Len thought vaguely about reversing positions so he wasn’t in the more vulnerable pose, but to be honest the wall was a welcome support when his knees were a bit unsteady and his mind was spinning. Before he could give it further thought, the boy’s tongue was shoved into his mouth inelegantly. Like an over-excited teenager that the kid probably actually was.

 

And yet it was still good, still welcome. No stubble to brush against his jaw like there had been with Cal, and Leonard’s hands didn’t quite fill with the boy’s ass. His small waist could have been feminine if not for the lack of hips. Well, and if not for the obvious bulge pressing against his own thigh.

 

Len was a bit surprised and ashamed to find that in spite of the alcohol flooding his system, he was harder than nails. He wasn’t keen on being a passive participant in any sexual act, but he let himself close his eyes and lose himself in sensation as the kid eased his fly down. A strange man’s hand was in his pants, gripping his cock, and his mind was too blank at the moment to realize it was the first time a man had actually touched him there. This was beyond rubbing off against Cal. He’d never been sure what all the bases of sex were meant to be but surely this counted as another base.

 

He fumbled with the kid’s zipper until he could get his own fist around the firm flesh. It was familiar and foreign in his hand at once. If he’d been sober, he might have taken in the moment for the first that it was. Used a little finesse.

 

What he did instead was fumble and grope as inelegantly as his partner. It was over embarrassingly quickly, as he came harder than he'd cum with his wife for the past several months. The kid’s mouth wasn’t on his any longer as he panted, sucking down air to regain his senses. His cock was as wet as his hand, coated in his partner’s release. The nameless young man was already making his retreat.

 

Apparently, this was how this was done. It wasn’t conjecture any longer. Strangers exchanged hand jobs in alleyways. It was something Leonard knew for fact, and knew he could repeat.

 

Sick with guilt, Len tucked his limp cock back into his soiled pants, wiping his hand awkwardly near the cuff of his denim where it would call less attention. He wondered idly whether his face was now covered with glitter, or if his wife might find some on his clothes.

 

Leonard headed back to his hotel to get cleaned up and assess the damage. This was different even from the few one night stands he’d had during pre-med when he and Jocelyn were in between dating. This time, he didn't need to make any excuses before heading away. They'd never even exchanged names.

 

Later that night, when Cal asked him how his night had gone, he'd grunted non-committally in response.

 

He really was a terrible person.

 

~~~

 

When Leonard got back from Texas, he was sure to take Jocelyn out somewhere special. They took Joanna to her B-ma’s house for the weekend. They went out to a fancy restaurant and spent too much on good food and good wine. Jocelyn had asked what it was all about, and Len had said that he'd missed his wife.

 

The sex had been marginally better than usual, at least on Leonard's side of things. It hadn't been as urgent biologically now that he'd finally had something satisfying, but it had been a little bit more urgent than usual psychologically. As if Len would be cosmically forgiven for what he'd done if he could give Jocelyn a good time, and get her off. He was more attentive than usual. Gentle, how she liked it. Everything was soft, and both of them came. Jocelyn remarked on how relaxed he'd seemed after the conference. Len had said he liked travel, which wasn't a lie. He'd talked about some of the cutting edge science he'd learned, which wasn't a lie. And Jocelyn started coming around on all the time Len spent away from home. She said she'd let him go off more often if he came home like this.

 

Which was exactly what happened. A perfect storm of need and regret. Living two lives, both of which he used to escape the other.

 


	10. A Problem

It was early November in Leonard’s first year of his residency. Though he found himself at a conference all the way in London, the temperature wasn’t much different than it had been in Georgia. Crisp and cool, especially at night, requiring a jacket. He’d gotten lucky finding a conference to run off to this soon after the last one, and he wasn’t sure whether he’d be able to sustain the habit over time. But with the new demands of his program and the lack of Cal to act as a sort of stress buffer, Len had had the itch to get out. So here he was again, in a strange club, though this time he was entirely by himself.

 

“You’re new here.” the glitter-clad being stated, confidently sliding onto the bench next to Leonard with a grin. Leonard suppressed an eye roll as he side-eyed his new guest, trying to determine their sex -- that is, if they even had one that could be neatly termed as male or female. Even with all of his xenobiology studies, he couldn’t immediately identify the being’s species. Humanoid though, and if Len had to guess, he’d cautiously say male. Effeminate, glittery male. What was it about Leonard, he wondered to himself, that seemed to make him an instant twink magnet? Not that he was seeking out company, or male company in particular. Just getting out of his usual rut was enough.

 

Len grunted in response and turned his attention back to his drink, letting the alcohol slip over his palate as the noise and lights slipped over his consciousness. It had been a long day in a long week. Residency was as relentless as he’d been told it would be, and without the presence of Cal to ease the tension, it simply mounted. The small, oppressive city didn’t help matters at all, and all he wanted now was to unwind before he had to get up and try to be ‘on’ for the conference tomorrow. He’d been invited to speak this time on his work on the brain.

 

Leonard may have been stuck at a small time hospital in Georgia for his residency, but he had made the most of the situation that he possibly could. Now, just starting in his first year of residency, he’d already developed a new surgical procedure for the humanoid brain, and that was good enough to get him shipped to London for a long weekend. He took another swill of his drink, wishing he had Cal’s company right now, rather than this glittery young man who was probably much too young for him. He tried not to think at all about his wife, suppressing guilt, frustration, and a sexual identity crisis all at once.

 

“I’d definitely remember someone like you.” the guy pressed on, oblivious to his mood. Len quirked half a smirk. He had to give points for persistence, though definitely not for good lines.

 

“Medical conference.” he said simply, turning his head toward his neighbour, letting himself actually take the man in. Thin, pale, smooth, though as was so often the case with alien life forms, he couldn’t determine whether the shimmer was a natural part of his skin or if it had been applied.

 

The man’s eyes lit up. “A doctor?” he enthused, reaching out to squeeze Leonard’s wrist affectionately. The man’s eyes lingered on his hands.

 

“Surgeon, actually.” Leonard smiled a bit smugly at the way the man was practically drooling over him. His conscience gave a guilty pang for Jocelyn. He really didn’t need to be flirting with strangers on his trip. Not when things were finally starting to work out. Sure, he and Jocelyn had their problems. But she had her nursing job now to occupy her. And an off world residency certainly wasn’t looming over them anymore. He pressed his resentment down.

 

Len’s eyes flicked down to his communicator to check the time, as he did a mental calculation. It would be getting around supper time back home. Jocelyn would have to pick up the kid on her commute home from her daddy’s practice, then try to get a meal into Joanna. Calling would probably just add more chaos to her already busy evening, and his own busy schedule would probably keep him from her all of tomorrow. He’d have to remember to at least text her. Though he noticed she hadn’t had time to text him yet either.

 

Leonard was dimly aware of the stranger saying something enthusiastic about his hands, and his mind flashed back to Emony Dax and the night he’d had with her at Ole Miss. A lifetime ago, but it had only been a handful of years since she’d convinced him in all her enthusiasm that he was destined for greater things than general practician. Leonard let his gaze really settle on the club pulsing with life all around him, the dense room packed with more aliens than most humans would see in a lifetime. _Greater Things_ flickered all around him in the dim, strobing light.

 

Right now it was a yearly conference. The less relevant Leonard became year by year if he stayed in Georgia doing routine medicine, the less likely it would be that he’d even get that chance at Greater Things. The warm feelings he had toward Jocelyn just moments before hardened into a leaden lump in his gut. How had his house, his wife, his child become so oppressive? The prospect of a lifetime with them stretching out ahead of him filled him with a dull, uneasy existential dread. A road to nowhere. Soul crushing irrelevance.

 

He should be a better man. He knew this. Joanna would start school soon -- just a few months shy of the cut off for this year’s kindergarten, she’d start next September. Jocelyn was thrilled to be back in the workforce. His father in law was itching to hand on the family business if Leonard could ever bring himself to leave the city. His mouth twisted with distaste. As if that small city wasn’t minuscule enough.

 

The glittery man next to him was saying something still, and Leonard knew he hadn’t heard a word of it. He took a final swig of his drink, emptying the glass. Something about dancing, he realized. He glanced askance at the dance floor and grimaced even harder. But he couldn’t bear to sit still any longer, so he took the proffered glittery hand and allowed himself to be led deeper into the writhing masses. To bump and grind with someone too young, too non-human, too male, too not-his-wife. For just an hour, he’d let himself be _here_.

 

Just an hour, he promised himself. Then he’d go back to his room, text his wife, catch a few hours of sleep, then present his research to a captive audience. Then he’d shuttle home to his wife and child and be a better man tomorrow.

 

~~~

 

February. It was a month of freezing rains and cold winds even in the balmy state of Georgia. Leonard shrugged his hands deeper into the pockets of his leather jacket as he jogged from the bus stop to his apartment. Normally he’d walk home from the hospital after shift, but not in this weather, and driving such a short distance seemed a little absurd. Still, he was certainly unused to being out of the warmth and safety of a building or car, because he realized now that he’d never bothered to get that better jacket he’d been thinking about for winter, and now it seemed like he just didn’t have the time.

 

He ducked into his building and climbed the stairs, then set about stripping out of his cold, sodden clothes. He’d take a hot shower and then collapse into bed, only to do the same tomorrow. Residency was just as godawful as it had been for time immemorial. The ER seemed like -- no, _was_ \-- a never ending series of emergencies. And when he was lucky enough to get to do a pre-planned surgery, he was sure to get yelled at at one point or another. To build character or to wear down his soul, he wasn’t sure, but it seemed unavoidable.

 

Leonard collapsed into his bed once he was decently warm and clean, not bothering to put on anything other than his boxers. The apartment was warm enough and from inside the freezing rain sounded almost quaint. He could almost imagine what it would be like in the old house, could almost hear it against the roof. It certainly wasn’t as dark here with the streetlights blazing in his windowpane, but he couldn’t muster the energy it would take to drive home. Especially not since he had to be on call, and do this all again tomorrow.

 

He felt the familiar twinge of guilt he always felt when he thought of Jocelyn and Joanna, living a whole separate life from him it seemed at times. But this was residency. He heard the others talk of it all the time; it certainly wasn’t just him. There was no free time during a residency, and certainly not a time to maintain healthy relationships of any kind. Not that he was the only married resident in all of history. Married couples could survive it, and did, so long as the non-resident spouse was understanding of the situation. Leonard could never really decide whether Jocelyn qualified. She put up with him, sure. But what choice did she really have?

 

From his perspective, though, things had only improved since he’d moved into the apartment. It was easier to have a cordial conversation with his wife when they did get together -- erratically, based on his constantly shifting work hours. And really, she had her own work to attend to now. It was probably good for them both. Something other than arguing to occupy them. Maybe that was the key to a long lasting relationship.

 

But while residency occupied most of his time and the itch he had to expand his mind, it didn’t occupy his need to expand his experience of the wider universe. The November conference had tided him over for a good long time, but with the holidays long past, the winter now seemed impossibly long and November a long time gone. In the few spare hours he’d been able to scrape together, Leonard had been looking for another conference to get himself to, another escape.

 

He told himself it was because of being stuck in this town away from the rest of civilization and its bigger goings-on. And that was part of it, it wasn’t a lie. But he very carefully avoided thinking of hand jobs in back alleyways, of kisses shared with glittery strangers, though his cock twitched to life even at the ghost of a memory of it. And his marriage bed with Jocelyn had all but gone cold. She never argued with him about it, never mentioned it either way, but it was clear that whatever rift had opened in their relationship, she wasn’t really interested in sex with him anymore. As he laid in his bed now, listening to the rain, he tried to remember the last time he’d even been with his wife. He vaguely remembered a lackluster event over Christmas.

 

He had to get out of here, he thought to himself again. Soon. Soon, before he developed the urge to do something unwise close to home. Just a little vacation, a weekend away to tide him over. Could it even properly be considered cheating if it never happened with the same person again? If he was really only doing it to maintain the health of his and Jocelyn’s relationship? He didn’t allow himself to answer that.

 

~~~

 

It was a thin excuse, but somehow Jocelyn hadn’t questioned it. A “medical conference” that was more of a medical device conference, having almost nothing to do with Leonard or his interests, being held in Colorado that first weekend in March. Leonard had been desperate. He hadn’t been invited to speak anywhere, and the few conferences he’d been able to find that actually interested him were either very expensive, or invite only, or ridiculously far away. He’d needed to get out, and he’d needed something he could get to in a day, so the medical device conference would have to do. He’d known from the start that it would be a hard sell to Joce about why he was going, and he’d mentally prepared a whole list of reasons and rebuttals, but she hadn’t asked a thing. She’d only told him to enjoy himself. No arguments, no recriminations. It had been eerie, but he’d been too desperate to leave to question it.

 

In London Leonard knew he’d gotten lucky finding the twink at the nearest bar to the event. But he didn’t have Cal around now to tell him where was a good place to go to get what he wanted. And there was no reason to beat around the bush this time. Though he would never admit the words aloud, he knew exactly why he was going to Colorado, and if he were going to go through all the effort to be there, he was going to make the trip worthwhile. So he researched and read up on all the closest clubs and bars, and one thing stood out to him as if it had flashing neon lights: there was a gay bar. Leonard’s mouth went dry at the thought. Not a mixed raver type thing that Cal might scope out, but a bar specifically set apart for particular clientèle: men who slept with men. There would be no ambiguous vibes there, and suddenly he didn’t know if he was up to it. What would he say? How did one flirt with a gay man?

 

Len pushed away that ridiculous line of thinking. Gay men were only men, and men may as well have been women. People were people. He reinforced the thought in his mind, insisting upon the veracity of it, though a corner of his mind suspected different. There were differences in cultural expectations, and he was out of his depth. He shoved the thought away with grit and determination, and packed his damned bag. He had a shuttle to catch, and he didn’t have time to waste having some sort of teenaged girl crisis. It was a damned bar. He’d go in and he’d have a drink.

 

~~~

 

A gay bar, or at least this gay bar, was not a normal bar. Leonard had never seen so many men, or male-identified humanoids. There were far less aliens than he’d seen at previous conferences, though this medical device shindig wasn’t in a major city and wasn’t of major import to the wider universe, so he supposed that stood to reason. But even with the lack of diversity of species, there was no lack of diversity in physical expression.

 

There were the lithe twinks that had always seemed to gravitate to him before, glitter clad and scantily clothed. There were every day Johns and Geoffs in jeans and tees, a business man just come in after work still in his suit. There were men in leather jackets like himself but with a totally different demeanor that took his breath away and left his mouth dry. Men with beards, men with bulk to them. Men that he’d not be surprised to learn were lumberjacks or construction workers or hell, specialized BDSM porn stars if he were honest. And maybe they were. How the hell would he know?

 

The music was as terrible as it always was in the clubs Cal had picked out, something with a heavy beat that went right along with the poor lighting. A few of the more vibrant characters writhed around on the dance floor, but there were just as many men sitting quietly with their beer, and even a few gathered around a pool table that put Len at ease. Something normal in this pit of vipers that just might eat him alive.

 

Leonard found himself a stool at the bar and ordered himself a drink. That he knew how to do. It was an action he was intimately familiar with. Increasingly so with the tension in his household and the constant, relentless demands of residency.

 

“Haven’t seen you here before,” a man next to him said. Leonard looked over at him and felt his skin grow hot. It was one of the more masculine of the men -- the exact opposite of a glitter-clad twink. Even more masculine than Cal had been with his boy next door charm. This man was solid and muscular, with a respectable bit of scruff to his beard. A black leather jacket and boots paired with more innocuous jeans and tee, causing Leonard to sweat with interest and a slight intimidation but didn’t put him off entirely like those few men who seemed to have walked straight out of a BDSM scene.

 

“I’m here for a conference,” Len answered vaguely, hoping he seemed suitably casual. And if this were a random conversation, he would have been, but he knew exactly why he was really at this bar and he suspected this man knew too. Like there was an aura around him or a scent that a fully trained gay man could pick up. He knew the thought was nonsense but it didn’t make it feel less true.

 

“Just for the night then?” the man asked, and Len nodded.

 

“I’ll head home late tomorrow,” he said. No questions were asked about what the conference was for, or where home was. Both men knew it didn’t really matter. Though it did leave Leonard with a bit of an internal panic. In all his scant encounters with men before, he’d been quite aggressively pursued. He hadn’t had to know how this was done. But now, he wasn’t sure how to indicate his interest, or to find out if this man was game. He didn’t know what the protocols for this sort of interaction were and he was totally out of his depth.

 

In college, of course, he and Jocelyn had been on-again-off-again for a little while, and Leonard had some experience trying to pick up a lady for an evening of pleasure. But even those encounters were few, and he couldn’t really compliment this man on his shoes or his good grooming to indicate his interest.

 

“You don’t seem like the kind of man who comes to a place like this often,” the man had the boldness to observe. Leonard felt himself flush uncomfortably and hoped his discomfort didn’t show. Then he saw the man’s pointed glance at his wedding ring. Somehow, in all of his previous encounters, no one had given it a second thought, and Leonard had assumed, perhaps wrongly, that the rules of fidelity were different in this world.

 

“Not as a general rule, no,” Len answered with what he hoped was a casual sort of confidence. He did his best to meet the man’s eye before taking another swig of his drink, making no attempt to hide the ring. Let the man think what he wanted. The judgement of a stranger he’d never see again needn’t weigh on his soul.

 

“Just when you’re at a conference,” the man said. It wasn’t phrased as a question.

 

Len eyed his drinking partner, wondering if this was some sort of code, some sort of test or way to indicate his interest. Surely by now the man had figured him out and knew exactly what this was, or at least had his suspicions. Did he disapprove of Len’s lifestyle? Or was this some sly attempt to indicate his interest? “Seems like the time to do it,” Len answered vaguely.

 

The man grunted. “What exactly are you hoping for tonight?” the man asked bluntly, and that too was new.

 

Len almost didn’t know how to answer. The other encounters had just sort of happened. They’d had a force and momentum all their own, and had led to alleyways and hastily shared groping, and he’d assumed that was how this night would end as well. Even when he’d been with women, talk of sex had never been so to the point before. If he’d been looking to court someone, he thought it might have taken some of the magic out of the relationship. But he wasn’t looking to court anyone, he reminded himself. This was exactly why he was here, and this was his opportunity to get with this solid embodiment of masculinity instead of one of the frail things that reminded him more of a woman than (if he were honest) he really liked.

 

“Depends on what’s on offer,” he answered a bit breathlessly. His pants already felt a little too tight, and he had the sudden urge to try to hide his erection, though he supposed if ever there was a time in public for it to be appropriate it would be while getting solicited at a gay bar.

 

“You bottom?” the man asked bluntly, clearly eyeing him up.

 

“Haven’t yet,” Len answered honestly, his heart hammering a million miles a minute. He was a doctor and had a basic intellectual curiosity. After inserting fingers into others’ orifices enough times, he’d certainly done it to himself with moderately pleasant results, but he’d never taken his exploration any further than that. It hadn’t seemed worth it, hadn’t seemed particularly appealing until now. But Leonard did have condoms and did have lube in his jacket pocket, just in case this sort of thing might present itself. He’d come prepared, and it had been easy enough to grab some of the free samples from the safer sex stores in the hospital before he’d left. Though when he’d snagged them, he’d had images of another glittery fool in mind, and had assumed that he’d be the one doing the fucking.

 

The man who until this point had been the picture of stern and gruff cracked a genuine grin, his eyes lighting with interest. “That didn’t sound like a no.”

 

“It’s not a no.” Leonard couldn’t quite bring himself to say _yes_ , not aloud, not so boldly, but he held eye contact in a way that he hoped said the words for him.

 

“You got a hotel room?” the man asked, though of course Leonard would have as he’d already established he was only in town for a conference.

 

“Two blocks.” Len jutted his chin in the general direction it was from the bar. “I walked.”

 

The man stood, holding a hand out in front of him as an entreaty for them both to move. “Then let’s go.” It might have been a suggestion, but it came out as a command, and the imperative sent an excited zing down Leonard’s back. This was by far the most risqué thing he’d ever done before in his life, and this was really happening.

 

He could have made excuses to stay in the bar a bit longer. He could have tried to get to know the man, but he didn’t really want to. He could have kept his options open for someone else, or suggested that all he wanted really was a quick grope. But instead, he led the way back to his hotel room with a stranger, his heart hammering in his chest the entire way.

 

~~~

 

There was nothing remarkable about his hotel room. It was mid-range in terms of quality, neither a resort nor a seedy motel. And Len had only been in it long enough to drop off his bag. It was entirely unlived in thus far, nothing unpacked, not a sheet out of place. Leonard flicked on the light as the man shut the door behind them. The curtains were already drawn, so their privacy was ensured. Suddenly, Leonard had butterflies in his stomach and was uncertain how this was done. He shrugged out of his jacket and pulled the condoms and lube out of his pocket, setting them on the bedside table conspicuously, then threw his jacket across a chair.

 

“Any limits I should know about?” the man asked him.

 

“How about I just say no if it comes up?” Len asked, and it was only then that he realized how monumentally stupid this whole endeavour might be. He didn’t know this man, and he’d never before let himself be sequestered alone with someone just as strong as he was. The man could do anything to him here, should he desire it, overpower him if he wanted to. Hell, he was probably much stronger than Leonard was if he were honest with himself. Mentally, he tried to catalogue all the ways he could incapacitate a man with his medical knowledge.

 

“Works for me,” he said with a smile, then crowded Leonard in and pulled him closer, one hand on his hip and one behind his head. Just like that, Leonard was kissing another man. And not a smooth ambiguously gendered entity, but a bristle-bearded sweat-scented _man_. His eyes were closed before he knew he’d closed them and his legs almost felt weak at how right it was. He let out a low moan, feeling some of the tension in him uncoil. All thoughts of how bad an idea this was flew out of his head as his blood rushed decidedly south. He was all at once harder than nails, and couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten off properly, with another human being.

 

This man, whoever he was, seemed more than capable of getting him there, as now there was a tongue invading his mouth in much the same way this man would soon be invading his ass. It made him dizzy and weak to think about.

 

Leonard pulled away, breathless. “What’s your name?” he asked the guy.

 

The man gave him a strange look, then half a shrug. Len expected the man to give some generic and strong sounding name to go along with the body. Tim, or John, or Jerry. “Kim.” the man said, and Len almost had to laugh at that. This pinnacle of masculinity had an androgenously gendered name.

 

“Len.” he offered of himself, not bothering even with the full length of Leonard. He just wanted them to have something to call each other in the moment, and neither of them needed more than that.

 

“Do you mind if we continue, Len?” the man -- no, _Kim_ , asked with a sly smirk as he set his hands on Leonard’s hips again.

 

Rather than reply verbally, Leonard leaned in to press his mouth to Kim’s, initiating the kiss. He couldn’t remember now who had started it with Cal that one drunken night, but this was purely his doing. He’d initiated a kiss with a man. A man with facial hair and muscles, in his hotel room that he’d gone to expressly for this reason. And blessedly, Kim seemed to be in agreement with him that words were no longer necessary, they didn’t need to talk this thing to death. It was sex, pure and simple.

 

Kim’s hands skirted under Len’s shirt and soon pulled it off of him, barely breaking the demanding kiss. His hands went to Leonard’s jeans next, barely breaking form for a single moment, and Leonard’s head spun with just how fast everything moved. Sure, some groping in an alleyway went by quickly, but there they had to rush against getting caught and neither of them would really undress. But here, Kim was all business, none of the delicate dance of foreplay that Jocelyn usually needed. Leonard was drunk with it, with the thrill of it all.

 

He firmed his resolve and divested Kim of his clothes as well and efficiently as he could, though he felt clumsy and unpractised by comparison. He’d never undressed a man before, and though the mechanics remained largely the same, the body did not. Perhaps Kim was simply in a hurry or perhaps he simply took pity on him, but he helped to undress himself as well. The boots were perhaps the most intimidating, and Len thought he’d have to drop everything to untie the long laces and pull them off, but there seemed to be some trick zipper to the side as well, and Kim was clearly long practised at their release.

 

Before he’d made a conscious decision, Leonard found himself on the bed. The experience was less a continual dance and more of a series of flashes. They were dressed, then they were not. They were standing, then they were on the bed, Kim looming above him as he grabbed for the lube on the side table.

 

“You want this face to face or from behind?” Kim asked him, expressing no personal preference.

 

Len turned onto his hands and knees without a word. One, he knew that medically speaking this position should be the easiest for him and he wanted to take what advantage he could get. But two, and perhaps more telling, he didn’t really want to see what he was doing with the man in his hotel room. He didn’t know who Kim was, and he didn’t particularly care to remember the experience except in the vaguest terms. After all, he’d never see the guy again. What mattered was sense and sensation, and ultimately release. He didn’t regret his decision as he heard the pop of the cap on the bottle of lube, and felt the gentle prodding of a meaty finger.

 

Len took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. This he knew how to do. Not only had he done it to himself, but he knew the biomechanics of it. And he knew that somewhere in there, right around -- “Hnnggh,” he grunted as his arms went momentarily weak, back bowing.

 

Behind him, Kim chuckled a bit. “Like that, do ya?” he asked, prodding Len’s prostate again and giving it a satisfying rub. Len panted as his head swam, body alight with pleasure. This was why he’d agreed to bottom in the first place. That little bundle of nerves when properly stimulated could work miracles.

 

Len didn’t bother to respond; Kim sounded smug enough already and it was clear that Len did like it by his litany of sounds and the way his body melted under him. He rested his head on his forearms, not caring one bit what an image he must make, and felt Kim progress from one thick finger to two. The slow progression put Len at ease. The man was competent and didn’t rush him, allowing Len’s body to relax to the intrusion. If he had felt even the slightest hint of a tear, that man would be out on his ear as fast as Len could move him. But no, Kim thankfully seemed to know what he was doing, and didn’t seem sinister in the least. Perhaps he could overcome Len physically, Len thought, but there was no reason to think that he would. All signs pointed to Kim just being an average man looking for meaningless sex, and in that, they were the same.

 

Two fingers scissored wide and Len eyed Kim’s cock from between his legs. It looked to his relief to be decidedly average in size. “I’m ready.” he said a bit breathlessly. “Use a condom.”

 

Kim didn’t argue with him. He didn’t try to stretch him more, and he didn’t try to argue the condom. He simply took one and added a good dose of extra lube to the surface once he’d rolled it on. Satisfied he wasn’t at risk for some horrible STD, Len closed his eyes and took a breath to prepare himself, and then he felt it. That slow inexorable push inside of him, larger than anything he’d shoved up there before. For a moment, panic overtook him, though Kim paused a moment to let him get his bearings. Len reminded himself just how large some of his medical equipment was and what the human body could accommodate, and he gradually relaxed. And then -- then Kim was in. Fully seated inside of him. Good god, Len thought, there was a man’s cock in his ass.

 

Nothing could have prepared him for the reality of it. Not fingers, not medical knowledge. The experience of it was overwhelming and all consuming and exquisite. He knew now that he’d be ruined for life. And Kim, he just moved along, slowly rocking in and out of him like it was no big deal, like he did this every day, like Len wasn’t having an epiphany and an existential crisis. He moaned wantonly and felt like pure sex in a way he’d never, _ever_ felt before as his channel lit up like fireworks, pinpricks of light and electricity zinging through him and across his skin, down the length of his cock. And that was just from the penetration alone. When Kim angled his hips to hit him where it counted, Len thought he might die. The best death ever. He whimpered and clutched the sheets, arching his back and begging with every cell in his body for more. Kim gave it to him.

 

He thought Kim said things during the encounter, but later he wouldn’t remember exactly what. Filthy things, or nonsense words about how much Len obviously liked it, or maybe how much Kim did. But what he’d remember were the lights exploding behind his closed eyes and an ocean of sensation overwhelming him. He reached for his own cock when he felt Kim speed up, and felt himself falling off that precipice as he came harder than he’d ever come in his life, not waiting to find out whether Kim was actually close himself. He was, and he felt the man still his thrusts, holding his place inside of him as the cock in his ass gave tell-tale little twitches that were barely discernible at first until Len got his senses about him.

 

Their panting breaths sounded loud in the otherwise quiet room. “You good?” a gruff voice asked him.

 

“Mmm,” Len grunted out incoherently, but hoped that the man took it for an affirmative. As Kim eased out, Len let himself fall to the side, avoiding the wet spot he’d made below himself. Now that it was over, he watched the man go about his business, using a hotel tissue to dispose of the used condom and cursorily wipe himself off.

 

“I hope it was a decent first time,” Kim told him, his face inscrutable. Perhaps he, too, was uncertain what to do now in the moments after. After all, they didn’t mean anything to one another.

 

“It was good,” Len said simply, and he meant it. He meant even more. “Pretty damn fantastic, actually,” he drawled, his southern accent showing in full now that he was languid from post orgasmic bliss.

 

Kim smirked. “You weren’t half bad yourself. If you ever want to go again, you’ll know where to find me,” Kim told him. “I’m a regular there.” He didn’t offer a number, probably once again thinking of Len’s wedding ring. Len didn’t ask for a number either, or a last name, or any other identifying information.

 

“Yeah,” he answered vaguely. He’d never be here again. There’d never be another time.

 

Taking the hint, or perhaps going through what amounted to the normal routine for these sorts of things, Kim dressed himself again as Len watched him. Then he let himself out, while Len still laid on his soiled bed, his mind spinning with what had just occurred.

 

In a moment, he’d try to clean up the wet spot on the top cover a bit. In a moment, he’d take a shower and do his best to wash away any evidence of the deed. Then he’d watch some television and go to bed, and go to a conference in the morning that he had no real interest in and no business being at. And he’d go home to his wife, and his residency program, and try to remember this event just enough to keep him sated. And try to block it out just enough that he wouldn’t have some sort of identity crisis.

 

He thought of his wife then, and wondered whether he should feel guiltier about what he’d done. But considering that their relationship was still finding its own way to work, and considering how good Leonard felt about what had just occurred, he found he didn’t really feel much at all by way of guilt. It was just something that had happened. And already he knew that it was just a matter of time before it eventually happened again. Hopefully long enough that he could find a real excuse for the trip next time around.

 


	11. Falling Apart

The first year of residency had come and gone, and Leonard could hardly believe he was halfway into his second. Whatever reservations he’d had about staying put in his first year, he figured he must have adjusted to at least somewhat, if he was still there.

 

He hadn’t gone out since March. March, still winter in Georgia without hints yet of the promise of spring, and now it was December, winter again (even if it was technically still fall). It was cold and damp, and Leonard could scarcely believe nearly a whole year had passed since he’d last gone on any sort of trip. Joanna was growing like a weed, and his residency program was a whirlwind that left him breathless. He’d hardly had time to think about travel with the demands of residency, even at a small teaching hospital like this.

 

Of course he’d thought about it some since then. Not often, not when his mind was full of surgical procedures, and his scant spare time was spent with his family. But there were moments when he was lying alone at night and he took himself in hand that he would feel the ghost of that cock inside of him, or even the stubble against his face when he was taken in such a demanding kiss. The man was almost as good as faceless to him by now. Kim wasn’t important. But the fact that Len had gone through with it had changed something within himself irrevocably. He now knew what he was capable of doing, and he now knew without a doubt that man on man sex was something that he liked. This wasn’t a curiosity on his part or a general indifference. It was something he craved when he let himself think about it at all.

 

Now with the holiday season fast approaching, Leonard felt himself getting itchy under the skin, and he knew it was no medical condition. A year. It had been practically a year since he’d done anything behind Jocelyn’s back, and nearly as long since he’d gotten any sexual satisfaction in his home. Jocelyn, for her part, seemed content with matters as they were, but Leonard was climbing the walls. He needed something to tide him over, for both their sakes. He felt the urge to snap more often, a resentment building in him toward his wife, and he didn’t want to have it. If she didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, well, it hurt if he was honest, but he would respect that. But he had to find a way to relieve himself.

 

Of course he’d been looking for conferences off and on since March had happened. He needed a real one if he was going to justify travelling again. Not only had the medical device conference been mind-numbingly dull, but it had been a thin excuse for travel and he really had had no business there. But residency kept him busy and came with few opportunities for someone still in training, especially since he hadn’t been able to pull off another miracle like his work on the humanoid brain. No one wanted to hear him give a talk, and no one responsible for his education wanted to send him off somewhere else to learn something.

 

Left with very few options as far as he could tell, Leonard began to do something he’d sworn he’d never do. He began to consider finding someone closer to home.

 

Not too close, of course. Maybe he’d drive a town or so out of the way -- not far enough to be missed by anyone time-wise, but far enough out that no one was likely to recognize him. He’d find a bar with the right sort of clientèle, pick someone up. He’d done it before, after all, in Colorado. He knew more or less how these things were done now. And if it was only once with the man, never to be seen again, what was the real danger? He turned that question over in his mind continually. Was he paranoid to be afraid? What were the actual odds? There was no way to actually know.

 

Len scrolled through his PADD late one evening looking for possible venues. There weren’t any gay bars around these parts, and even the raver-style bars that Cal had preferred weren’t around here either. It was probably why Cal had been so excited when they’d gone on their trips. And it wasn’t that the area was homophobic or anything like it, Len thought. It was just that it was a quiet, somewhat conservative culture. Gay men would be welcome in the regular bars, so there was no need for them to have their own. Only it did make Leonard’s job infinitely harder. As he’d largely avoided any religious conservatism in his life, he’d never thought of the area as quite so backwards until now. Where the hell did local gay men go to meet each other?

 

Choosing a venue was only the first problem. It wasn’t exactly a tourist area, and hotels and motels were in fairly short supply. If he were going to take a man “home” with him, he’d have to have a room to do it in. Hotels in walking distance of bars were in short supply, even as he expanded his search in ever widening circles. And Leonard wasn’t going to rely on going back to some stranger’s place. First of all, he couldn’t count on the availability -- that was a logistical concern. But second of all, it was colossally dangerous and stupid, as far as he was concerned. He was taking enough risk with this fool plan as it was.

 

Not that there was any plan to be had. The more he tried to craft one, the more holes he seemed to find. It was an emergency room surgery, with more holes in the body than could be knit back together. Every time one was staunched, a new one seemed to open up. The woman he’d seen in the ER that day hadn’t made it, one of the first deaths in the hospital that Len had witnessed. Even in this day and age, it still happened. Time of death, they’d had to call it. Len looked at the little map program on his PADD, the lack of bars, the lack of hotels, the lack of hope to pull this together. Time of death, a nurse called in the back of his mind, but he refused to call it.

 

~~~

 

Leonard stared down at the email he’d gotten from Cal. It was short, as they all were. He’d received a handful of them since they’d gone on to their residencies. Or rather, since Cal had gone on, and Len had been left behind. Perhaps because they simply weren’t in physical proximity anymore, the emails felt a bit stilted. Perhaps it was because Cal was off doing Greater Things while Len was stuck just where he had been before; maybe Cal was hesitant to say too much, to touch on sore spots Len would rather avoid. But all the same, it was nice to hear from his friend, even if it was in the vaguest sense.

 

Residency was kicking Cal’s ass too, though he’d found time to date around. Here was another mention of a man he’d been seeing, though they were only just in their second year. Nothing ever seemed to stick with Cal. Perhaps he wasn’t looking for long term, perhaps he had the right idea to wait until he’d finished with his medical goals. Len wasn’t sure he’d recommend to a neophyte trying to hold together a family at the same time. He loved his wife and kid, but it was a struggle.

 

Cal didn’t mention any conferences, which made Len feel a bit better about himself, though he did have to wonder if that was only his friend trying to spare his feelings. The emails were few and far between, and Cal could well have done anything with his time and Len would never know about it. For Len’s part, he sent polite replies along the same vein.

 

But he never did find it in him to mention what had happened in Colorado. That Len had discovered something dark and uncomfortable about himself. It called to mind what he’d done with Cal that one drunken night, but that he’d written off as mostly Cal’s doing, as a result of alcohol, as a result of high emotions after a fight with his wife. As enjoyable as it had been, he hadn’t quite had the same sort of existential crisis he found himself with after Colorado. What he’d done _there_ had been intentional, premeditated. And it had gone quite a bit farther than rubbing off on someone with his clothes still on.

 

He thought of telling Cal, of course. He was the only gay man that Len knew personally. Who else was he going to tell, if not him? And Cal already shared secrets with him. The night in the apartment. The trips they’d taken together and the flirting Cal must have seen there. But no, Len wasn’t going to tell anyone about anything. What would he even say? He wasn’t some teenager trying to reconcile his sexuality so he could choose who to take to prom. He was already tied down with Jocelyn, and that was it. His vows had been made, and honestly he had no desire to go back on them.

 

What Leonard wanted, he knew how to get. A grope in an alleyway, a one night stand picked up from some bar, once in a great while. Once or twice a year. It wasn’t much to ask, he thought to himself, if it kept the rest of his life intact. He and Cal might share something in their sexuality, but their lives and goals couldn’t be more different.

 

~~~

 

When it finally happened on a rainy night in mid-December, he hadn’t even been looking for it, nor planning for things to go this way. Len had gotten off his shift at the hospital and had gone, like all the other residents, immediately to the local watering hole, Wheelhouse. The same old place he’d always gone with Cal as a student, now he was here again, a bit older but probably not a bit wiser.

 

Len took his usual spot at the bar and ordered a drink, ready to let go of some of the tension of the day. By now, he recognized a few people. Davis, from the hospital, off in the corner trying to flirt with some nurse he recognized by sight. He knew the bartender, Gemma, and she knew his preferences by heart. Len scanned the loud, rowdy room and saw familiar faces here and there, and the familiar young shape and sound of what could only be a new batch of students. Some at tables, many of them gathered around the pool table shouting and carrying on.

 

A man at the other end of the bar was sitting alone, though, and he caught Len’s eye, because he was different, and Len had been coming here enough years to recognize someone who was out of place. Was he new at the hospital perhaps? He was too old to be a student. The man caught his eye as well and gave half a smile.

 

“It always this loud in here?” he shouted over the din.

 

Len smiled a bit himself. “You get used to it,” he said, and got himself up off his stool long enough to slide down closer to the stranger for a chat. No use in frying his vocal cords trying to be heard. “You’re new around here then?”

 

“Just here for the weekend,” the man answered. “I was invited to come down and speak at the university.”

  
Len raised his brows. “What about?”

 

“The skeletal structures of beings from lighter than Earth gravity planets.” The man smiled slightly in a way that said he was both proud and embarrassed of his topic. Depending on his audience, he could seem intellectual, or a total nerd.

 

Luckily for him, Len grinned in response, and just like that an actual, honest to god conversation was born. The man’s name was Sam Ruthers, and while Len didn’t recognize the name he’d heard of his work once he got the idea of what the man had written about. Len introduced himself as well, told him about his residency, and before long an hour had passed as they talked medicine and drank little.

 

Not only was Sam an interesting man with interesting ideas, but he wasn’t half bad to look at, either, Len noticed. Though in the casual atmosphere of Wheelhouse, it took him an embarrassingly long time to realize he was being flirted with himself, and even longer to realize he’d never put back on his wedding ring after surgery that day. It was back at the apartment in a little dish on his dresser where he always left the thing before shift, for safe keeping. And this man, this Sam Ruthers, had no idea that he was a married man. And he was interested.

 

Once Leonard realized what was happening here, he could have cut it off. He should have done so, and he could have any number of ways. He could have been blunt, said that he wasn’t interested in Sam in that way. He could have casually mentioned his wife. He could have directed the conversation to a dryer, more intellectual bent and carefully left the instinctive flirting out of it until Sam got the hint. He could have excused himself and gone home, called it a night.

 

But an opportunity like this didn’t present itself often for Len. He’d been trying for some time now to orchestrate something just like this, to no avail. Sam was only here for the weekend, he’d said. He’d spoken at the university today, and was headed home tomorrow. He’d never see the man again.

 

No one, not his wife, not his colleagues, were expecting to see Len until late tomorrow. He had the apartment in town as always totally to himself. The opportunity was right here for the taking. All he had to do was invite the man home. It was even walking distance from here, and the night was dark and rainy. No one would probably even see him go with a strange man on his arm in that darkness and weather.

 

Leonard’s heart hammered in his chest as he even considered it. This felt somehow more taboo than what he’d done in Colorado, though Colorado had been planned and this had not. This was different. This was on his home turf. Jocelyn, his wife, was a thirty-five minute drive away. Anyone who knew him would have the opportunity to see, though as he weighed the risk of that again and again, he didn’t think it was very likely. It was dark, and it was a small city, not a small town. Who would see?

 

The words left his mouth without conscious volition. He wanted it too badly, and he was weak. Later, he wouldn’t be able to recall exactly what he’d said to Sam Ruthers, his blood rushing in his head as he did so. But the message was clear. Would Sam want to come back to his apartment with him? Whatever words or phrasing Len had used, he couldn’t believe he’d been so naturally smooth when his nerves were threatening to jangle loose. He couldn’t believe the easy smile and agreement he got in response. As he left Wheelhouse with Sam by his side, he felt like he were almost in someone else’s body, but he wanted it still.

 

~~~

 

The walk home was wet and cold, their jackets insufficient against the weather. When they got back to the apartment, it was warm and inviting, though Len’s heart raced at the half opened blinds which he quickly closed as he shook the rain off. Sam was a gentleman and kept in good spirits as he began to strip off his own soaked clothing, leaving it near the door. Len could have offered him a towel, or a shower, but instead he found himself offering a hot mouth, crowding Sam in against the wall as he stripped his own wet garments. He could think of a more enjoyable way to warm them both up.

 

Sam reminded him more of Cal than of Kim, if he had to compare. He wasn’t young or effeminate, but he wasn’t built like a brick covered in hair. A middle ground of masculinity, and that was fine by him. Beggars couldn’t be choosers, and Sam was still better than most.

 

Few words were exchanged between heated touches. Condoms? Yes. Penetration? Definitely. Did Sam mind topping? Len asked that, and Sam blinked in delighted surprise. He was versatile, he said in response, but he wouldn’t mind topping Len at all. Len got the impression that topping was the preferred position in this world, and couldn’t imagine why. If he’d wanted to top, he’d try again to get with his wife. Using his own fingers back there, he’d found through more extensive experimentation, just weren’t the same.

 

Len’s bedroom was sparse because he didn’t really live there, but Sam had no reason to ask about it. A bed was a bed, and there was no reason he’d notice a piece of jewellery on a dresser across the room. More heated kissing, a hand on his cock that made him twitch and groan. A scramble for lube and condoms in his bedside drawer where he’d tucked them safely away from Jocelyn’s prying eyes. Though she never came to the apartment at all anyway.

 

It was different with Sam than it had been with Kim. Len couldn’t help but compare. Less forceful, less blunt, perhaps. Sam was here for a hookup just like him, but he clearly wasn’t in the habit of looking. He didn’t hang out in gay bars scoping out his next lay, like Kim had seemed to. There was more foreplay with Sam, more unnecessary touch rather than business right away. Len decided he liked it either way, as long as someone would touch him this way at all.

 

He wished he’d had less of an adrenaline rush and could have savoured the experience, but he found the moments flying by him at a rapid pace, as they had in Colorado. This wasn’t making love with a partner, with all the time in the world to taste and explore. However conscientious a partner Sam was, this was more of a rut than anything else. Animalistic, and base. An itch that needed to be scratched to be cured.

 

The main event, just as he’d remembered, was exquisite.

 

~~~

 

Afterward, Sam didn’t dress himself right away as Kim had, but laid back against the headboard beside Len, and Len wasn’t sure what to do. Did he offer Sam a shower? Was he supposed to let this man stay the night? The longer Sam was in his apartment, the higher the likelihood someone would find out. Though Sam wouldn’t really be understanding of that. They weren’t freshmen to be dreading the Walk of Shame in the morning, and as far as Sam knew Leonard was unattached.

 

It was still raining outside, and Len could hear it hammering on his windowpane. It seemed gauche to throw Sam out directly after the sex, to have to contend with that. He laid on the bed beside Sam, not touching, as if he too were still in his post orgasmic bliss, while a knot of tension grew in his belly as he tried to formulate a plan.

 

“Mind if I use your shower?” Sam asked after he’d recovered himself somewhat. Thank god he’d broached the subject first. Hopefully a shower meant clothes, and clothes meant going on his way.

 

“Sure,” Len told him, and indicated the obvious only other door in the apartment. There was a pile of clean towels on a fairly sparse shelf, so he didn’t even need to get Sam that. The man would suit himself.

 

Sam did get dressed in his wet clothes after the shower, and made his excuses to head back to his hotel. There were two in town, and Len didn’t ask which. It wasn’t hard to find city center from here, and Sam had his communicator at any rate if he needed to call up a map or call a cab. Their tryst had been pleasant, though Len was glad he’d likely never hear from the man again. They both knew what this was, a little tension relief while the man was travelling.

 

When Sam finally left, Len cleaned his apartment of discarded wet clothes, and took his own shower to remove the evidence. He ran the trash out to the dumpster out back, even in the rain, not wanting the used condom anywhere in his home. But when he came back inside to while away the time on his PADD for the rest of his evening, he didn’t put on his wedding ring again, though it was his habit. Not yet. It seemed too soon. He’d put it on in the morning, and try to forget this had ever happened. Or at least, forget it enough to get on with the rest of his life, and remember it enough to settle that itch under his skin for hopefully another year. And besides, the day after next he was Christmas shopping with Jocelyn. The holidays were coming, and he had his real life to look forward to.

 


	12. Found Out

It seemed like the whole of the hospital staff was crammed into the Wheelhouse New Years Eve, though of course that wouldn’t be possible with the hospital still fully staffed, even now. Still, all around Len were his colleagues and their various friends and partners, and most importantly Jocelyn was here as well, delightfully tipsy in his arms. She joined in shouting a slurred Auld Lang Syne with the rest of them, no one really remembering the whole of the words to the song, but that didn’t stop them. The television above the bar showed the obligatory ball drop in New York City ringing in the new year.

 

Len captured Jocelyn’s laughing mouth with his own and felt her melt in his arms, her eyes smiling back at him as they kissed. Joanna was off with her B-ma for the night for just this occasion, and Len was glad they’d arranged for it. If he felt this good on January first, it could only herald in good luck for the rest of the coming year. Things were good, he thought, and only going to get better.

 

“Let’s go back to the apartment.” Len suggested loudly over the din of voices all around them. It was a small bed, but he and Jocelyn could certainly make do. “I think we’re both a bit too buzzed to drive.” To his surprise and delight, Jocelyn whole-heartedly agreed with him, and they set off at a stumbling walk down the sidewalk, loud this night with the other celebrants shouting or cheering or honking their car horns.

 

The apartment was a close walk, but they snugged their winter jackets tighter against the cold nonetheless. Len was glad for the warmth of the place as soon as they got there both for the reprieve from the weather, and for the fact that his little hole in the wall had better heating than that big old house his wife insisted on staying in. When the wind whistled by the modern apartment, it didn’t leak into the cracks.

 

Len flicked on the lights of the sparse setup as Jocelyn glanced around. There wasn’t much to see, really. His PADD on the table by the worn sofa. The bathroom was sparsely appointed with the necessities for getting clean and some toilet paper, nothing else. The bedroom was much the same, and his drawers were mostly filled with scrubs, though he had a few changes of regular clothes too. The food in the kitchen could hardly be called real food, and the plates were nearly all of the paper variety. Jocelyn had only stepped foot in the apartment once before, and she glanced around curiously now, observing how little it had changed.

 

“I’d say you ought to make this place a bit cosier but guess I should be grateful you’ve got a reason to come home.”

 

“Of course I’ve got a reason to come home,” Len told her. “Two beautiful gals, which this apartment certainly doesn’t have. Well, except I’ve got one of them here tonight as a special guest,” he added with a grin, his heart warming as Jocelyn smiled back. It had been a while since they’d been together, and he was sort of hoping that alcohol aside, he’d get lucky tonight. It would be the perfect end to a perfect night, and a positive start to the year to come.

 

Jocelyn was already bustling in his bedroom as he went about setting the thermostat to something a bit more comfortable than the standard low temperature he used when he wasn’t home, set their coats over the arm of the couch, closed the blinds around the place, got them a glass of water to drink. The fact that Jocelyn had gone to the bathroom and was already fussing with the bed he decided to take as a good sign.

 

“Len?” she shouted from the other room.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Where do you keep your tissues?”

 

“On the bedside table,” he answered automatically, forgetting that he’d run out of them a day ago and had been using toilet paper instead. It wasn’t something he’d even noticed really. He would have picked up a new box eventually at the store.

 

Len heard some messing around and didn’t think twice until the room went totally silent. Next came the angry, accusatory yell. “What the hell is this?” Jocelyn asked, and Len set his glasses of water aside as his brow wrinkled in confusion. The alcohol in his system certainly didn’t help him to understand as he came to the bedroom door and saw Jocelyn staring into his drawer. That wasn’t where he kept the tissues, he’d been ready to tell her, though he realized at once that she’d gone looking because there hadn’t been any there. He still had some confusion over what had upset her but then he realized it was the condoms and lube he’d cribbed from the hospital those months ago. His cheeks heated but he tried to remain calm.

 

“What the hell has got your panties all in a twist?” he came back. “I work at a hospital, Joce. They were handin’ them out and they ended up in a drawer.”

 

She tactfully ignored the lube, that was more easily explained by him being a man, but the condoms apparently were some sort of red flag. They never used them at all. He and Jocelyn were both on medical birth controls, and both of them being clean of STDs, there was no need. “What the hell reason do you need condoms for?” she wanted to know.

 

“Jesus, Joce. I got them at work and threw them in a drawer.”

 

“You could have thrown them away,” she pointed out helpfully.

 

“Not a minute ago you were criticizing my lack of decorating ability. Do you really think I put two seconds into whether or not to keep something when I threw it into a damned drawer?”

 

Jocelyn stared at him for a moment, her mouth a hard line, her eyes scrutinizing. “You’re lying,” she said lowly.

 

“What?” he asked, feeling himself start to panic, though he shoved that panic aside in favour of anger. Anger and indignation were what would save him here. And besides which, no one liked to be accused of lying, especially those who were.

 

“Who is she?” Jocelyn demanded, and began pulling open his dresser drawers as well.

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Leonard demanded.

 

“The other woman you have coming around here that you need these damned condoms for,” Jocelyn said, tearing his room to pieces.

 

Leonard wanted to stop her, not because he thought there was anything to find but because he was incredulous at her behaviour. She was acting like a crazy person, invading his privacy, disrespecting his things. Not to mention creating one hell of a mess. Jocelyn threw his blankets and pillows off the bed, ransacking the place like some sort of home break in.

 

“I don’t know what the hell has gotten into you, but you’d damned well better cut it out,” Len said in his most serious tone, his voice taking a hard edge to it.

 

“Like hell,” Jocelyn said, and crouched down to look under the bed and behind the bedside table. “You goddamned son of a bitch!” she shouted suddenly, and stood brandishing something Leonard’s mind took a moment to even process. A used condom wrapper. He felt like the world had dropped out from beneath him.

 

That man, Sam Ruthers, that night in December. It seemed ancient history though it was just weeks ago. Len hadn’t seen that the wrapper had fallen by the wayside, gotten lost, and at any rate he’d never thought that Jocelyn would be in his apartment searching for clues. He’d thought he’d gotten rid of all evidence in the trash that night.

 

“Who is she?!” Jocelyn demanded again, her face a vibrant red and no longer from the alcohol and night air. Her once beautiful features twisted with the rage of a woman scorned. Len’s mind raced to form a coherent response.

 

“There is no she, Jocelyn.”

 

“There sure as hell was someone. Or was it multiple women?”

 

“There’s not, that’s not --” Len swept his hand back through his hair, his eyes darting around as he tried to choose a lie or half truth to satisfy her. He was already in the doghouse, but she didn’t need to know the whole truth.

 

“A one night stand?” Jocelyn prompted, her eyes sharp and trained on him, seeing everything. “She doesn’t work at the hospital then,” Jocelyn mused. “You wouldn’t be stupid enough to carry on an affair if you thought I might find out. Some skank you took home from that bar?”

 

Leonard bristled at the implications, feeling ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated in the face of his wife’s righteous scorn. “He was hardly a skank,” Len said in a tight voice, though why he was incriminating himself further he didn’t know. Maybe it was because he didn’t like being the subject of her assumptions. Maybe it was because he’d thought all along that if he had sex with a man, it was somehow different and not as bad. And why wouldn’t Jocelyn see that?

 

“He?” Jocelyn asked, eyes wide with shock as she paled. She looked at her husband as if she were seeing a stranger. Perhaps not even a human before her, but rather an entity that her brain could not compute. This wasn’t anything that she’d known, she had no context for it. “You’re telling me you’re... what... gay?” Her face wrinkled with confusion and outrage, as if he’d been concealing an even larger and more serious lie than an affair.

 

_Gay_ . The word, the accusation, seemed to echo in his mind. Was he gay? It was something that Leonard had tried not to think too hard about, but in the quiet hours he’d been asking himself the exact same question. Was he gay? He’d been with women before. Mostly Jocelyn, but a few others during their off-again phase in college. And he’d liked it then. But now, knowing what a man could offer, the experience didn’t compare. Still, he was hardly able to process and come to terms with his sexual identity at a time like this.

 

“Jesus, Jocelyn. Do I seem gay?” he countered, trying to deflect or buy time, he didn’t know. “I’ve had sex with you, haven’t I?”

 

“Just how long as this been going on?” Jocelyn asked, her gaze turning inward as she tried to connect the dots, reassessing her entire relationship with him in this new light. “My god,” she said, paling further. “Callahan.”

 

“What?” Leonard asked gruffly.

 

“That’s why you’d been living at this apartment with that man for years,” she said wonderingly, shaking her head.

 

“Are you listening to yourself?” Len accused scathingly. “I most certainly was not having a relationship with Cal. You’re out of your mind.”

 

“Am I?” she asked. “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, Leonard. You’re always gone, you hardly ever see your family, living in this apartment out here. And now I know why. You’ve been carrying on some other life in this apartment with strange men, or with Callahan, I don’t even know. And I don’t want to know.”

 

“Jocelyn.” Leonard held out his hands placatingly and tried to soften his voice. It was time for damage control. “Listen to me. It was one time.” It was multiple times, depending on how you measured it, he knew. But it was one time he’d brought a man back into this apartment. “And it won’t happen again.” It would happen again, of course, but certainly never again here. “It was a mistake.” A mistake to do something stupid where he might get caught. A mistake not to clean his room better, searching for evidence. A mistake to bring his wife back here at all.

 

“You’re damn right it won’t happen again,” Jocelyn told him in an icy tone. Len didn’t like that tone one bit, and dread began to creep in across his skin, settle queasily in his stomach. Jocelyn pushed past him and headed toward the door, pausing only to grab her coat, to step back into her shoes. “I think we’re done here. As a matter of fact, I think we’re entirely through.”

 

“What?” Leonard asked, his brain uncomprehending. He suddenly couldn’t feel his limbs.

 

“You can come to the house tomorrow to get some of your things. We’ll work out the rest of it later.”

 

“What the hell do you mean, get my things? That’s my house just as much as yours.”

 

“We’ll see about that,” Jocelyn said coldly. “I intend to find myself a good lawyer, and I don’t think that the courts will take kindly to you living here in town anyway. That house is mine Leonard, or it will be. Divorce court doesn’t favour a cheater.”

 

Leonard felt like the entire world was dropping away. His wife, whom he loved more than anyone, had loved since high school, was leaving him. She’d take his daughter away. The home they’d bought together. His future. He’d sacrificed so much for this family, and in his own twisted way the very thing that was now driving them apart had been for their sake too. He couldn’t decide whether to be angry or devastated. What would he do? Who was he without his family?

 

Leonard’s countenance broke and he looked at his wife pleadingly. “Jocelyn,” he said, and heard his voice crack. “We can fix this. It was one time,” he still insisted. “I’ll go to couples therapy. Whatever you want.”

 

Jocelyn only shook her head, seeming sad. “I don’t think you can give me what I want, Leonard,” she told him. “I’m only sorry it took so long for one of us to realize. You don’t want to live in an old farmhouse in the country, and you don’t want to take over my daddy’s business in a small town. You’re not even happy in this city. And I know you’ve been trying, in your way. But we’ve been rammin’ a round peg into a square hole. Now I know you’ve been sleeping around with men behind my back? It explains the tension between us as well. I think you’ve got a whole hell of a lot of soul searching to do.”

 

Jocelyn turned, and let herself out his apartment door.

 

“Jocelyn!” he called after her, once, but she was gone. Leonard felt as if his heart had been gutted from his chest. What the hell was he going to do?

 


	13. Divorce

Leonard went back to the house early the next day, before B-ma and JoJo were slated to arrive, to talk to his wife. She wasn’t any more receptive to him the next day than she had been the night before. If anything, she’d seemed to become more resolved, and it filled Leonard with a certain dread. If she wouldn’t talk to him about this, wouldn’t work with him, what was he supposed to do? And particularly in light of his heavy schedule, there was little he  _could_ do. It was New Years day, and he had to work at the hospital in a few hours like he always did. That was the residency program. He simply didn’t have time for this, for his family, for salvaging his relationship. It gutted him, but he kept hearing Jocelyn’s analogy of a round peg in a square hole. He couldn’t force his family to fit. He could barely force himself to fit in this small city in Georgia.

 

Leonard went back to work, and kept himself busy, all the while sending Jocelyn the odd email or text, or leaving her a voicemail. He wanted to reconcile still, and hoped that if she saw his sincerity and willingness to try, if she had some time to cool down, perhaps she’d come around.

 

She didn’t come around. Three weeks into the new year, Leonard came home to a thick stack of divorce papers and an order to appear in court. He had no time for it, but court wouldn’t wait. He had to find himself a lawyer. He should have gone the way of Jocelyn and found himself one three weeks ago.

 

Leonard didn’t try to contest the divorce itself, when it came down to it. He didn’t know who he was without Jocelyn by his side. He’d spent his entire adult life with her. But if she didn’t want to be with him, he wasn’t going to force her, as much as it hurt him.

 

But what he did contest were two very important things. Firstly, access to his child. Jocelyn wanted sole custody, and the idea of never really seeing Joanna again was incomprehensible to him. Secondly, the house. He’d bought that house with his own savings, and it had been a sore point between them from the beginning. It was  _his_ money that had been on the line, and he’d done it for her alone. It cost far beyond the government stipend for housing, and all along he’d wanted them to live in an apartment or  townhouse in the city. Now Jocelyn was going to take it for herself, as if she had rightful ownership. As if she’d paid a dime.

 

Leonard lost the house.

 

The argument that Jocelyn gave, that her lawyer gave, that the court sided with revolved around the fact that Leonard had been living in an apartment separate from his family for several years. His name was on the lease, and he’d made the payments. Jocelyn meanwhile lived in the house full time with Joanna. Len had tried to make the argument that he worked, that he needed the apartment. Jocelyn also worked though, and she lived at the house, though Len chafed at that because as demanding as a nursing position  _could_ be, she was a nurse in a small time practice in a small town, and it didn’t compare at all to the demands of a residency program. Not that a judge cared one iota about that.

 

Leonard lost custody of Joanna as well. He felt as if his heart had been ripped out.

 

The argument given in the courts came back primarily again to the house and home. Jocelyn was with Joanna full time already. Leonard only made brief appearances at home when his schedule allowed. Jocelyn had been responsible for all of Joanna’s day to day needs, while Leonard had really just shown up to hang out. Never mind that Leonard had also been the primary financial provider. Now that Jocelyn had rejoined the work force for a bit of time, her finances were seen as secure enough to support her family and continue to take care of it as well. She was already functioning well as a working mother, and the additional support that her family was willing to give her (and had been shown to give already) only strengthened her case in court. Leonard, by contrast was seen largely as an absentee father, and unfortunately mothers had been favoured over fathers in custody battles for longer than Len could fathom. Modern times and ideals didn’t mean that innate biases had been eradicated. And so he’d lost custody.

 

He hadn’t even been able to negotiate for partial custody, because the courts hadn’t been convinced that Leonard would be able to be there. Not with his erratic and demanding schedule, and him always being on call. And his residence, a one bedroom apartment, didn’t contain a single piece of furniture or toy for Joanna if she were to spend a weekend with him anyhow. There was no evidence that she’d ever set foot in his residence (which infuriated him, as he’d tried to argue it wasn’t a primary residence), and so Leonard hadn’t been allowed anything other than the vaguest of visitation rights, subject to the whims of the mother.

 

Leonard pulled up to the old house -- Jocelyn’s now -- and parked the car. He was there to get a last few things of his, now that everything had been finalized. Some books, some clothing that he wore less often and didn’t get on the first haul. He planned to snag a few family photos, Jocelyn be damned. He sat for a moment in the car as the chill from outside slowly crept in, and his hands shook. Adrenaline, a natural response to stress. Where an animal in the wild would choose to fight, flee, or freeze. But he was able to reason with himself and get out of the car, not about to be a slave to his biology. He smiled ruefully. If only he’d considered that course of action to begin with.  After all, it was following  his biological urges that had ultimately led him here.

 

Leonard knocked on the door to his own home, and it felt strange. But already he could feel his subconscious distancing himself from the place. After the battle ground of divorce court, how could he not? He wasn’t welcome here, and he didn’t live here anymore.

 

It was the weekend. Both Jocelyn and Joanna were home. Joce answered the door and he heard his little girl squeal “Daddy!” and run up to him happily to wrap her arms around him. Above Joanna’s head, Len and Jocelyn shared an unreadable look, neither knowing quite what to say. The situation was what it was. And that situation was causing Leonard’s heart to break.

 

Len hugged his little girl back, choking away the burning behind his eyes. The hug didn’t last nearly long enough as JoJo pulled away from him and started rambling on immediately about what she’d done in his absence, as if this were just another normal visit in their usual routine. She’d coloured a picture, she and her mama had taken a long walk outside by the pond out back. Len indulged himself, despite whatever Jocelyn’s time table might be, and followed Joanna around for some time, just talking to her, being with her, looking at the colouring she’d done.

 

Len didn’t know exactly what Jocelyn had told her about the divorce yet. They’d done their best to leave the kid out of it. Perhaps it hadn’t been fully explained, but Len trusted his wife, no, ex-wife enough to know she’d do a good job of explaining it to his little girl when it was time. When Joanna started to inevitably ask questions and realize that something had changed.

 

“Daddy’s got to get a few things for the apartment, baby,” Jocelyn interjected herself, and Leonard hated her just a little bit for interrupting this time with his daughter. But she was right, and at any rate Joanna was already wandering off, having the short attention span of every child.

 

He didn’t talk to Joce as he moved about the house, gathering old books of his from their bookshelves, digging through the bedroom closet they’d once shared. But Joce was always a few steps away, watching him. Perhaps she worried he’d take something she didn’t want him to take. Perhaps she had something to say, but couldn’t say it.

 

Jocelyn didn’t say anything as he took three framed photos and added them to his pile. One family photo with all of them in it, and two just of Joanna. He looked at the little piles of things he’d arranged in the foyer, and realized there was nothing else to do but go.

 

Len turned to look at Jocelyn. “I never meant for it to end like this,” he told her, his voice rough.

 

“Len,” she said, turning a bit away, “don’t.” Whether she was still angry, or whether it was painful to talk about, Len didn’t know.

 

“I just want to say goodbye to Joanna,” Len told her with forced casualness. “Then I’ll get out of your hair.”

 

Jocelyn stood aside as if giving him permission, and he wandered into JoJo’s room to see her playing with her little dolls, like it was any given Saturday.

 

“Hey baby,” he said, interrupting her concentration. Len struggled to keep his voice even. No reason to upset his girl. “I’ve got to head back into town. Will you give me a hug before I go?”

 

In the manner of children, she humoured him but clearly wanted to get back to her game. The hug again was shorter than he would have liked, but he cherished it all the same. Then she was back at her dolls and he knew it was time to go.

 

Jocelyn was surprisingly absent, though she’d followed him around like a hawk the whole time he’d been there. Perhaps, knowing him as well as she did after all these years, she’d wanted to afford him a little bit of dignity as he at last left. He was barely holding himself together. With two awkward armfuls of things, he made his way out to his car. He deposited them in the back seat haphazardly, and climbed in the drivers seat to go. But first he had to sit a minute, because the second he was behind a closed door, he felt the dam break.

 

Len’s face crumpled and his cheeks fel l awash with tears, though he tried to choke them back. He looked on at the house and family that so shortly ago had been his. Things had been going well. He’d tried to make it work. He’d  _wanted_ , more than anything, to make it work. Damn it!

 

“Get a hold of yourself, Len,” he coached himself harshly, and pulled his seatbelt over his chest, starting up the car. He had to stop crying now, to clear his vision to drive, and it was that determination that put an abrupt halt to the waterworks.

 

It felt crushingly like  this was  the last time he’d ever see his daughter as he pulled away, but he reminded himself fiercely that that wasn’t true. He would be allowed to visit sometimes.  Hell, maybe he wouldn’t even see her  much less often than he had been already. Though he knew it for a lie. There would be no more long holiday celebrations as a family. There would be no day trips to go hiking or rainy days when they all piled indoors to do something together. Those  had been rare before, true, but they’d happened. Now they wouldn’t  anymore.

 

When Len parked the car along the street outside of his apartment, he paused for a moment again. This wasn’t a place he’d crash before or after a long shift at work anymore. It was his home. What had been functional and practical before now felt lonely and hollow. He’d always known he’d had the big house to go back to when he needed comfort and home, so he’d never spent any time here making it more than a functional shell. Perhaps he’d do some shopping to spruce it up, though he didn’t know when he’d find the time. Or whether he really cared.

 

With his arms full of the last of his belongings, he made his way up to start the next phase of his life.

 


	14. Greater Things

Len sat on his couch in his scrubs, a re-heated frozen dinner propped on half his lap. He had just gotten off his shift a bit ago and was refuelling his body with much needed calories, even if the nutritional content of a frozen dinner was dubious. No one in a residency program had time or inclination to do much better.

 

On his other thigh he had propped his PADD, and he scrolled through job opportunities as he had been of late. It was spring now in Georgia, and with the passage of time he’d been able to if not move past his divorce, at least reconcile it. He’d seen Joanna only twice since then, but he told himself it was enough. She was happy, and that was what mattered.

 

But Leonard? He’d never been happy here. And now that his need to be with his family wasn’t such an immediate pull, he’d begun considering alternatives. It wasn’t typically done for someone to leave a residency program halfway through, but that didn’t mean it was unheard of. There were opportunities that he could take, out there in the wide universe. It was just a matter of finding the right one.

 

A lot of the more prestigious teaching hospitals wouldn’t take him, of course. The enrollment program might have accepted him if he’d applied right at the beginning. When he’d come from a middling but decent medical school, showed potential, and was moving up a step toward something more prestigious. But now that he was already in a middling (or less) teaching hospital, those higher institutions wouldn’t want to accept him. Especially since he’d be seen as bailing out of his current program, which in those circles was frowned on.

 

Of course, there were other options further out in space that he’d been scoping. Various bases on various planets and space stations that might not come with the prestige of a name to them, but would come with unique opportunities to learn in an engaging environment. That seemed more up his alley already, especially with the potential exposure to xenobiology. That sort of program wouldn’t look down upon his switch over at all, as the change in environment would be seen as justification enough.

 

The only problem was that in the more remote locations, staff was small and positions were hard to come by, especially for someone still trying to learn. And at least half of the contenders were basically just the space version of the boonies, not much better than where he was now. He had his eye on a few of them, but nothing had convinced him as of yet.

 

There were always other places on Earth to consider. Not top tier institutions, but there were more middling teaching hospitals across the planet that might expose him to a different culture than the American south. It might be a nice change of pace just to get out of there, a place he’d spent so much time feeling stuck. Maybe hop over to Europe somewhere to finish out his residency, and by the time he was a certified surgeon have a better idea of where to branch out from there. It was a possibility.

 

But one hit in his searching always managed to come up again and again. It was something he hadn’t given serious consideration to before now, what with having a family to take care of, but now he couldn’t deny the inherent appeal. Starfleet.

 

The military aspect of Starfleet didn’t appeal in the slightest; in fact, it seemed to him to directly contradict the Hippocratic Oath. But starships were always in need of good surgeons, and Starfleet University would sure as hell accept him, even halfway through a residency program. They were always looking for new recruits.

 

He didn’t much relish the idea of getting shot at or exploding in the vacuum of space, but the opportunity to explore strange new worlds, to meet whole new civilizations was tempting. Almost too tempting to pass up. He’d wanted to do xenobiology. At Starfleet, he’d have it, there was no denying that.

 

Still, he hesitated. A part of him still thought of Joanna, and wanting to see her as often as was possible. But he barely saw her as it was, and Jocelyn was taking good care of her. What was he going to do, stay in this dead end hospital in Georgia for the rest of his life? What about after residency? Would he be one of those people who never left the state he was born in? Just keep on working at that hospital forever, so that he could snag an hour or two here and there with his girl? The idea was distasteful in the extreme, and he knew that it was just his fear keeping him from making a change. He had to go. That much he’d determined. He should have gone long beforehand, and even Cal had seen that.

 

He might get shot out there on a militaristic starship. He felt like a rational man ought to be concerned, but really Leonard had never shied away from danger. At least not on his own account. He’d hate to leave his little girl fatherless, it was true, but in a way he knew he already had.

 

Of course, on an eventual starship he’d not be able to take much with him. But as he looked around his scant apartment he realized that he didn’t have much on him to begin with. And at any rate, thinking of starships was jumping the gun. He’d have to finish residency first, and he’d be on a campus for that, or near one, much like he was now. The idea of starting fresh held inherent appeal. Would he get on campus housing for once, instead of an apartment? Instead of living in a full sized house outside of town? Now there was no one to tell him not to. The idea of it made him feel young again, not ageing beyond his years.

 

Campus life. New recruits. The bustle of activity and the promise of strange new worlds. It would be hectic, and busier than he even was now. But he’d be a single man with no one to report to, and no more mortgage payments (Jocelyn had inherited what was left of those), and no other responsibilities to juggle and distract him from what he wanted to do.

 

Len’s frozen dinner was lukewarm in his lap as he reminded himself to eat the damned thing, though he realized he’d made a decision. Excitement fluttered through his system as he sent off his application to Starfleet. It felt like when he’d gone to Colorado, when he’d taken a strange man back to his room. Dangerous, and unknown, and exciting. But without the accompanying guilt. He could breathe, for the first time in forever. He felt free.

 


End file.
